California bill 967, signed last fall, has sparked a lot of discussion about sexual assaults on collegiate women. Studies in the ’80s found that 54 percent of women had experienced some form of sexual assault in college, and one in the ’90s found that more than half of these types of assaults involved alcohol. Some insist campus sexual assault is underreported, while others insist men are unfairly blamed, especially when both parties are intoxicated.
We are missing the forest for the trees here. Instead of fighting over who’s to blame, let’s focus on the underlying problems both college-aged women and men are facing. My experience in counseling thousands of young women is that they lack critical dating relationship skills. Most young women tell me their peers don’t date much in high school or college; they’re focused on academics.
Instead, they go to parties with the intention of getting wasted and hooking up sexually with guys, most of whom they know. They tell me it’s fun and meant to be just for that night, and yet they rarely will approach sex this way when they are not intoxicated. Despite their cavalier attitude, girls seem to retain an emotional attachment around sex.
The following are four dating skills both young men and women should embrace:
1. Know what you want: We need to teach teens how to check in with themselves so they know what they are feeling in any situation. I have girls write out what they want in a dating relationship, including sexually, so they spell out clear guidelines about what’s right for them when they are clear-headed. That way they are prepared to set boundaries in the heat of the moment, when they may feel pressured and confused.
2. Trust your gut: Girls need to be aware of their internal alarms. I ask them to identify where in their bodies they feel this alarm, and when it sounds to pause and ask, “Why am I feeling uncomfortable or unsafe?” They don’t need to figure out the answer, but to trust their intuition that something isn’t right.
3. Alarm busters: There are many reasons that can cause a girl to ignore her alarms, including: she is afraid she’ll lose him if she doesn’t comply; she doesn’t want to seem like a prude; she lacks the confidence that would allow her to set good boundaries; she is drunk or high. Women who don’t have a good sense of worthiness are more vulnerable to being a target.
4. Communication: In any relationship, people need to be sensitive to each others’ social cues and body language. Both people need to be clear with their needs and boundaries, and then regularly communicate how they are feeling in the relationship. I worry that young people today may have lost the ability to relate at deeper levels like this because face-to-face conversations are missing in this age of technology.
College students I meet seem to lack these critical relationship skills, so we need to teach them the skills before we send them off into the world. Otherwise, they may find themselves in vulnerable situations they aren’t prepared to handle.
[Tim Jordan, M.D., is a Behavioral Pediatrician who specializes in counseling girls ages 6 through college. For more information, go to drtimjordan.com.]