Jack and Ginny are the parents of three young children, facing a dilemma parents have known since the beginning of time: how much spoiling by grandparents should they allow? The children always get gifts when they spend time with Grandma. Will it spoil them? Further complicating things, this fear is mixed with their gratitude that the children have such an important influence in their lives. So, where’s the balance?
First, since parents spend the most time with their children, they have more than enough opportunity to teach kids about delaying gratification, earning privileges, and the value of hard work and diligence. If you teach kids these qualities, you won’t have to worry if grandparents occasionally indulge your children with sweets and treats.
But it is still reasonable to set boundaries with your parents about the kind and amount of gifts you want them to give your children. Open, respectful conversations can result in agreements that meet everyone’s needs. This is especially true if grandparents are spending a lot of time with kids as babysitters or during after-school care. Some parents have a hard time with these dialogues, but a little temporary discomfort beats simmering resentment.
Here’s my message to grandparents: give gifts other than toys. The gift of time is the most valuable, so create memories that will live on after you are gone. For example, use your time together to teach kids how to cook special family recipes, how to build and fix things and enjoy books you read at their age. Tell them stories about their ancestors, take long hikes in the woods and teach them about nature.
Parents don’t always have the time or patience for these slow times and lessons, so you can fill this important role. Mom and Dad are often distracted with making a living and being disciplinarians, by encouraging kids to make good grades and get into top colleges. Grandparents are more in the here and now, which means they’re more present and accessible. And it makes their love feel unconditional—that is the beauty of your role as a grandparent. You’re less invested in and worried about children’s achievements and long term future.
Being a grandparent is the most precious role in life. Your value lies in your gift of time, your unconditional love, and your ability to see and accept grandkids for exactly who they are. Parents and grandparents simply need to resolve any disagreements about grandparenting styles so this relationship can always blossom.
Tim Jordan, M.D., is a behavioral pediatrician who specializes in counseling girls ages 6 through college. He recently launched an online video parenting course, Taking Flight: Everyday Parenting Wisdom to Help Girls Soar. For more information, visit drtimjordan.com.