I recently interviewed author Kate Berski on my podcast Raising Daughters about her new book, 30-Phobia: Why Your 20s Suck and How to Get Unstuck. She found through extensive surveys that many 20-somethings experience “milestone anxiety” as they approach their 30th birthday. They had a vision for their 20s being the best years of their life, and for many, it falls short of their expectations. I’ve found the same thing counseling young adults, and I think there are several reasons for this phenomenon.
In past generations, it was easier for young people to figure out their path because they had far fewer choices, especially for women. You were expected to become a nurse, teacher, secretary or a mother. Today girls have grown up hearing the mantra that they can be anything they want and the possibilities are endless. They also have been heavily influenced by so many external expectations and opinions and become way too outwardly directed. Heavy use of technology and social media contributes to these pressures, resulting in 20-somethings experiencing feelings of “compare and despair.” Constant busyness and distractions have created a generation that has lost touch with themselves and their inner life, leading to an inability to access their inner voice and intuition to guide their decisions.
I also believe that our culture has been directing all children onto the same path to success, attaining A’s in school, attending a top tier college and getting a good job that makes a lot of money. Our 20-somethings have been chasing this idea of success and obediently following the expected path without ever questioning if it fits for them. They’ve never questioned their conditioning or taken some quiet time to define success on their own terms. Following this one-size-fits-all script does not lead to fulfillment for most young adults. Following a life of “shoulds” and unrealistic expectations creates the quarter life crisis that many 20-somethings are struggling with today.
So what’s the solution for young adults? First, accept that any period of growth and change in our lives is accompanied by normal feelings of uncertainty and anxiety. It’s not a sign of a disorder; it’s a sign that you are undergoing an important life transition and you need to express these emotions in healthy ways. Otherwise, what is unexpressed becomes unmanageable. They can take regular quiet time to reflect, soul-search and access their intuition to make decisions from this inner place versus from external pressures. It is imperative that each person define success on their own terms for their reasons by asking the question, “What does success look like to me?”
I counsel 20-somethings that there is no deadline on dreams and no stopwatch for success. There is no such thing as being ahead or behind, because we are all running our own race on our own unique path with its own timeline. I also encourage them to interview every adult they bump into and ask them about their path to further cement the idea that most people zig-zag their way to their calling as opposed to following a linear path from A-to-Z. I suggest they read biographies and watch documentaries of people who live interesting lives to reinforce this notion of allowing your life to unfold in its own way and in its own time.
You can start teaching children to enjoy quiet, reflective time in grade school and to ask them all along the way why they are interested in their activities. I want them to be aware of what motivates them to play soccer, go for A’s and attend college so they learn to do things for their reasons. Having autonomy to pursue their interests will lead them to do the same once they reach their 20s. Young adults also need opportunities to discuss what they are experiencing with their peers so that they know they are normal and not crazy—and not alone. We need to do a much better job of preparing our kids to become adults
Tim Jordan, M.D., is a Behavioral Pediatrician who counsels girls aged grade school thru college. Listen to his weekly podcast, Raising Daughters, to gain information on raising strong, resilient girls. For more info on Dr. Jordan’s retreats, summer camps and books visit drtimjordan.com.