Simi shared with me through her tears about how her friend group had ditched her at the end of the school year. The queen bee of the group, Rosie, wouldn’t let her sit with them at lunch. She was excluded from all of their weekend get-togethers and ghosted on social media. Simi was devastated and confused. Her parents kept telling her to just move on, but that’s a tough thing for a 14-year-old to do.
The queen bees of the world tend to get demonized by parents, teachers and the media. I like to share with kids why others might act that way. The truth is that kids and teenagers play with their social power in school. They want to lead and be in charge. Unfortunately, this desire for power often comes out as mean behaviors, including teasing, excluding and bullying classmates.
Our brains have been wired to connect. It’s in our nature to try and maintain bonds and social harmony, especially for women. Tend and befriend behaviors evolved to protect them and their dependent children. In a nutshell, close bonds meant survival and being left out meant death. Sounds pretty dramatic, but that drive is still wired in today’s girls.
Behaviorally, it can cause girls to do whatever it takes to be included in a group, including talking about people behind their backs, spreading gossip, excluding people and making fun of others. Girls don’t go against the leader of the group for fear that they will become the next victim.
Simi’s “crime” was her courage and integrity, which allowed her not to follow Rosie’s mean behavior. I acknowledged this strength while also validating her deep feelings of loneliness. I think it helped for her to understand the dynamics behind what was happening so she didn’t doubt herself. The last thing I want for kids in Simi’s position is to decide that they are weird or not good enough. Oftentimes, the limiting beliefs that we take away from a situation are more impactful than what happens to us.
Simi decided that she would start the school year looking for friends in different places. She had signed up for the service club at her school, which I told her was a great place to start. The reason people join a club like that is because they want to make a difference in the lives of others. They’re not joining to be cool or popular. I think the teen years can be hard for mature kids like Simi who want to stay above the drama. But there are others like her at school.
For parents, perhaps your most important role in all of this is to be a good listener and to not rush into rescue mode. Listen to your kid’s feelings, validate them and help them understand that what’s happening is not due to anything that they have done. Remember that just being heard, understood and validated is the greatest gift you can give them in these moments.
Tim Jordan, M.D., is a Behavioral Pediatrician who counsels girls aged grade school thru college. Listen to his weekly podcast, Raising Daughters, to gain information on raising strong, resilient girls. For more info on Dr. Jordan’s retreats, summer camps and books visit drtimjordan.com.