Current parental fears are creating an unhealthy vision of what childhood is all about because anxieties about falling behind have pushed parents to overschedule and micromanage. This pressurized child rearing tells us something about how we view childhood. Let me explain.
I see two main fears driving parents today. One is their worry that their kids are falling behind their peers in academics, athletics, popularity and admittance to top colleges. The old maxim of keeping up with the Joneses has changed to keeping up with the Joneses’ kids. So, they fill up their children’s schedules with professional athletic coaching, premier summer sports camps and enrichment classes for math, violin and chess. The second fear I hear from parents is how unequipped they feel to prepare kids for a future that is far different from our own. Young adults have more choices for careers than in previous generations, and the careers many will pursue have been invented yet. We’ve lost the security of our expectations.
These two fears have caused parents to overindulge, overprotect, push and pressure their children. Parents tend to overfocus on achievement instead of character building to the detriment of their kids.
So, I am here to remind you that childhood is not a contest. The goal of your children’s youth is not to win national soccer championships or earn college scholarships. The purpose of grade school should not be just high school prep—and high school not just college prep. If you pursue these goals, it’s going to be hard not to micromanage your children to keep them on the course set for them. But that is not how life works! Every child has their own destiny and path, and they must learn their lessons in their own way and in their own time.
There is a deep cost for kids who are constantly performing for and being judged by adults. The relentless pressure to be the best, impress everyone, be popular, be special, be perfect and not disappoint anyone distracts kids from what’s really important: getting to know yourself, building your social-emotional intelligence, trying different things, taking risks and time to just be. I counsel so many girls who are stressed out from these pressures and who feel like they are never good enough. This is one of the main culprits behind the rising levels of anxiety and stress in kids and teens.
I encourage you to redirect your focus so your kids can be kids. Kids need downtime and the autonomy to pursue their own interests. Allow kids to play for play’s sake and their love of the game, learn for the love of learning, be of service, explore, have adventures, challenge themselves, and make decisions based on what’s right for them versus keeping up with the Jones’ kids. Shift your view of childhood so that you can let kids be kids. Step aside and allow children to build their own story and unique mark on the world. And do not allow your parenting to be guided by these fears.
Tim Jordan, M.D., is a behavioral pediatrician who works with girls in grade school through college. Check out his new online course, Parenting girls: The challenges girls face today with their feelings and friends and what they need, at drtimjordan.com.