I counsel so many girls who are unhappy and resentful because they are not getting their needs met at home or with friends. But here’s the rub: whenever asked about an activity or meal, their automatic response is, “I don’t know” or “I don’t care.” Over time, this teaches others that what you want is not important, and, eventually, that you aren’t important. I can feel a lot of moms reading this nodding their heads because this is an all too common issue for women.
Girls today are still being conditioned to be “good girls”—kind, happy, patient, quiet and selfless. They put way too much energy into worrying about pleasing people. They fear if they tell friends what they want that it might cause conflict, make others mad and end relationships.
Kids living in homes where there is a lot of tension about a sibling with problems or parental discord often decide that their parents already have too much on their plates and thus there is no room for sharing their own troubles or desires. Or perhaps their family overvalues conformity, so their kids fear that speaking their minds or having different viewpoints or interests will cause their parents to withdraw love, and they learn to deflect questions.
The cost of this habit is resentment, not getting your needs met and feeling taken advantage of. If a kid is worried they may lose parental affection or friends if they’re authentic and fully themselves, they will most often choose hiding their own light—i.e., attachment trumps authenticity.
So, what’s a parent to do? First, help your children, especially girls, become aware of conditioning and its costs. I encourage girls to do little experiments starting with people they don’t know to flex these muscles. Order off the menu at a restaurant and notice the response of the waitress. My experience doing this is that I love my meal, I give a big tip, and everybody is happy. When girls see that their worst fears don’t manifest, it helps them reframe limiting beliefs to give them courage to do it again.
When a friend asks their opinion, I teach kids to take a quick break, check in with themselves and decide what they really want. Then they can let their friend know their wishes and again experience a positive result. This builds confidence that it is extremely valuable to ask for what they want and need. They can also learn that they are never responsible for anyone else’s feelings or reactions to them and their requests.
If a friend blows up because they have shared their desires, that person is teaching you more about themselves than about you—i.e. they are not a true friend who deserves your time. Parents can let their children know that no matter what is going on at home, their needs are also important and should be expressed. In my camps, we teach girls the difference between assertive and aggressive. We let them role play addressing situations both ways so that they have the freedom to be assertive in their relationships without feeling like they are being mean.
Finally, moms can model what they want their daughter to live out. Remember that girls are always watching how their moms do or don’t take care of themselves, and this is one crucial piece of self-care that will go a long way to ensure your daughter grows up confident and self-assured.
Tim Jordan, M.D., is a Behavioral Pediatrician who counsels girls aged grade school thru college. Listen to his weekly podcast, Raising Daughters, to gain information on raising strong, resilient girls. For more info on Dr. Jordan’s retreats, summer camps and books visit drtimjordan.com.