Fifteen-year-old Natalia made a huge mistake. Her mom didn’t know what to do, so she brought her to see me. Natalia’s parents divorced when she was three, and her dad had progressively seen her less, often canceling their weekends together. When I asked Natalia about it, she revealed that it made her believe she wasn’t lovable, good enough or important.
She began to be excluded from friend groups in fifth grade, and this pattern continued throughout middle school and the first two years of high school. These experiences had triggered and reinforced her old limiting beliefs about herself. She loathed going to school each day and felt extremely lonely. All of this set the stage for her mistake.
At a family holiday gathering, Natalia got caught stealing $200 from her uncle’s wallet. She was mortified because she loved her relatives. Her uncle was angry but mostly hurt and disappointed, and this was what hurt Natalia the most.
I had Natalia go back to the night of the party and recall the point when she made the decision to steal the money. Whenever any of us gets to that moment of truth, internal alarms go off warning us to step back and think the situation through. I asked Natalia how she experienced her alarm, and she noted that she got a funny feeling in her stomach and her chest tightened. The next question was critical, “Why do you think you ignored the alarm that evening?”
Natalia got tearful as she described how left out and lonely she had been feeling. She was tired of always feeling on the outside of groups, like a third wheel. At the moment of truth, she thought that maybe if she could buy the same kind of designer clothes many of her peers were wearing that they’d start including her more. From the perspective of a 15-year-old, it made a lot of sense. That brought us to the final question in this process, “What will you do differently so you’ll make a better choice next time your alarm goes off?”
That question led us into a discussion about how Natalia could reframe those limiting beliefs about herself. I helped her make the connection with her old beliefs from her relationship with her dad. She realized that the main reason she had a hard time being included in groups of girls was because she was so much more mature than her peers. She had been unafraid to speak up for herself and set boundaries when treated unfairly. I encouraged Natalia to make a list of the qualities in a best friend that are important to her. I then suggested she look for some new friends who matched her list based on her observations. After identifying a few such girls, she started socializing with new people. Natalia also decided that having a few really deep, mature and loyal friends was more important than being in a big group.
Her newfound friendships bolstered her confidence, making her less vulnerable to give herself up to fit in. She also wrote a heartfelt letter of apology to her aunt and uncle. I’ve taken hundreds of girls through this process, and it truly does enable kids to learn from their mistakes.
Tim Jordan, M.D., is a Behavioral Pediatrician who counsels girls aged grade school thru college. Listen to his weekly podcast, Raising Daughters, to gain information on raising strong, resilient girls. For more info on Dr. Jordan’s retreats, summer camps and books visit drtimjordan.com.