I find parents spend an inordinate amount of time complaining about how their son or daughter is not motivated, but they take very little time looking for places where they are invested and inspired.
During a talk my wife and I gave to a group of parents a few years ago, a mom stated emphatically that her daughter was lazy and unmotivated. Another mom spoke up. “Every kid in our neighborhood loves your daughter,” she said. “She’s amazing with them.” The daughter had mentioned wanting to become a preschool teacher, but her mom shut her down by mentioning how little money teachers earn.
You never know when kids will experience something that ignites their spark. Years ago, a young girl read her first Curious George book. When she decided at age 10 that she wanted to go to Africa and work with monkeys, everyone laughed at her. Everyone, that is, except her mother, who told her, “If you really want something, you must be prepared to work very hard, take advantage of all opportunities and above all else never give up.” Luckily for Jane Goodall and all of us, her mom believed in her and encouraged her to dream big.
When actress Bette Davis was 7, she was in the school play playing Santa when she bumped into real candles on the Christmas tree, causing her outfit to catch fire. She and everyone around her began screaming in terror, and she felt herself being wrapped in a rug. When the rug was taken off, Bette decided to keep her eyes closed and make believe she was blind. People cried, ”her eyes, her eyes!” Bette was in complete command of the moment. It sparked a long career in acting and film.
A mom once complained to me that her 16-year-old son was totally unmotivated in school despite all of her efforts to motivate him. I asked her where he spent his time. I’ll never forget her response: “Well, he does like to read history books, especially about U.S. politicians. He’s so into it that he started a poly-sci club at his high school.” Would you worry about the future of that teenage boy? I wouldn’t. I love that he is pursuing his passion on his own accord. That kind of commitment can be transferred to other possibilities as he grows up.
Be curious about where your kids spend their time. Value passion where it’s found, even if in the moment it’s not where you want it to be. Help them to internalize the good feelings they get when something fulfills them, like our budding preschool teacher, Jane Goodall, Bette Davis and our potential politician. Don’t focus on “How can I motivate my child?” Instead ask, “How can I support my child’s intrinsic motivation and passions?”
Tim Jordan, M.D., is a Behavioral Pediatrician who counsels girls aged grade school thru college. Listen to his weekly podcast, Raising Daughters, to gain information on raising strong, resilient girls. For more info on Dr. Jordan’s retreats, summer camps and books visit drtimjordan.com.