It’s easy to get off course with our parenting today due to so many distractions and a cultural imperative of being outer directed. Many families find themselves spending inordinate amounts of time rushing their kids from one enrichment activity or sports tournament game to the next. Parents complain to anyone who will listen about how exhausting their schedules have become. And guess what? You’ve got no one to blame but yourself.
There are two main fears I see driving parents today. First, dads and moms worry little junior is going to fall behind their peers who are enrolled in professional coaching sessions and enrichment programs. It becomes a slippery slope to join in on the race to nowhere, trying to keep up not with the Joneses but with the Joneses’ children. The second fear involves parents feeling anxious about how to prepare their children for a future that is so different from their own experience in an ever-changing world. So, it’s easy to fall into the trap of micromanaging and overscheduling. So, what’s a parent to do?
You can start by creating what Stephen Covey described in his bestselling book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, as “beginning with the end in mind.” My wife and I during some of our parenting workshops have the audience visualize their children all grown up and make a list of the qualities they hope their adult children live out. I’ve made these lists with parents in 17 countries, and it’s always very similar no matter where we are. The list contains qualities like honest, kind, brave, generous, close with their family, successful, spiritual and high integrity. What we have never seen on these lists is things like straight A’s, winning national championships at age 10 or being accepted into an Ivy League college. Yet, where does much of our focus go day by day?
I encourage parents, and if their kids are old enough, the whole family, to create their own, unique end in mind of what is important to them, what they value and how they want the family to feel and function. It’s critical to get input from everyone in the family because no involvement usually results in no commitment. From then on, you make decisions together based on whether or not it is in alignment with your values. In this way, you avoid being guided by the emotions of the moment, what others are doing, other’s judgments, pleasing or not disappointing others, or forgetting to focus on the long-term growth you want to develop in your children. When our then 13-year-old son wanted to add spring hockey to his schedule, we said no because he was already committed to playing baseball and the family had decided at a family meeting on only one sport per season. Making these agreements ahead of time allows you to organize and execute around your thought-thorough priorities, regardless of the Joneses’ children.
Take the time up front to develop your end in mind for parenting your children. Most companies take the time to create mission statements to align everyone with the company’s goals and vision. I encourage you to do the same for your family.
Tim Jordan, M.D., is a Behavioral Pediatrician who counsels girls aged grade school thru college. Listen to his weekly podcast, Raising Daughters, to gain information on raising strong, resilient girls. For more info on Dr. Jordan’s retreats, summer camps and books visit drtimjordan.com.