If your kids are whiny and too reliant on you to solve their problems, I’ve got some valuable phrases to redirect them. Too often parents nag, remind, yell and threaten before doing things for their kids because it’s easier. But in the long run, you’re not preparing them to become confident, self-reliant adults.
If your daughter comes to you frustrated because she can’t find her soccer shoes, it’s so easy to snap at her as you run around trying to find her cleats. Instead, ask her a simple question, “So, what will you do?” In other words, I’m not responsible for finding your shoes and I trust you have the wherewithal to find them yourself. If she comes to you upset about how her friend treated her at school today, listen and try to see it from her perspective. Once she feels like you have heard her, then pull out that phrase again, “So, what will you do?” Again, you allow her to think and problem solve for herself, and if she tries her idea and it helps, she’s just added a building block of self confidence to her pile.
How about when your son keeps coming to you complaining he is bored? Yep, “So what will you do about that?” You teach him that he, not you, is responsible for managing his boredom. Perhaps at a non-confrontational time you could brainstorm ideas about boredom busters he could have on hand for those moments, but let him take the lead.
When your child comes up to you whining that they can’t do something, avoid the temptation to do it for them and instead say, “I’ve seen you do that before, so I know you can do it again.” Then you close your mouth and walk away, leaving junior with the problem. When they accomplish it on their own, they’ll come to you brimming with confidence because they did it!
What about ‘No?’ It’s actually quite effective and important. If your son comes to you demanding that you buy him the latest Lego set, it’s OK to say, “No, I’m not buying that for you. But you can certainly use your allowance money if you’d like.” It’s more than OK to tell your grade school and middle school kids that you aren’t ready for them to have a smartphone or social media or to not allow any electronic devices in their bedrooms. They need good, healthy boundaries—and accountability.
If your daughter comes to you upset because she’s been left out by her friends, listen and empathize and then say these invaluable words: “I know how you feel because …”and then share a time growing up when you also felt excluded and lonely. Our kids see us as the finished product and didn’t know us in those challenging middle school years. It tells kids that we really can understand and relate to their experiences, thus encouraging them to come to us when they are hurting.
One more phrase: “Good night, and I love you.” Our kids are never too old to be tucked in. Sitting in the dark on the end of the bed with a teen is often the time when they are most likely to open up and be vulnerable. Or just share fun or challenging moments from both of your days. There is a little kid inside each of them that still longs to be seen, heard, supported and loved.
Tim Jordan, M.D., is a Behavioral Pediatrician who counsels girls aged grade school thru college. Listen to his weekly podcast, Raising Daughters, to gain information on raising strong, resilient girls. For more info on Dr. Jordan’s retreats, summer camps and books visit drtimjordan.com.