Let’s begin with full disclosure: I think parents of early adolescents should go downstairs periodically during parties to deliver food and remind kids of your adult presence. I think it’s reasonable to talk to parents holding a party to be sure there will be no alcohol served and a parent present. I would never, ever allow teens to drink at a party in my home. Finally, I would never allow high school seniors to go on spring break without adult chaperones. Let me explain my reasoning.
The adolescent brain has an increased reward drive, an increased activation of neural circuits utilizing dopamine and an enhanced dopamine release, all of which cause teens to gravitate toward thrills and risky behaviors. The awareness of negative outcomes of dangerous situations and behaviors is overridden by the greater focus on positive rewards, i.e., the rush. This increases when teens are in the presence of their peers or when they believe people will observe their actions; think social media. The prefrontal cortex helps us think before we act and helps control our impulses, but it’s not fully developed until about age 18 to 20 in girls and the early to mid-20s for guys. Therefore, teens are wired to do stupid things.
Until the prefrontal cortex is fully mature and teens have enough experience and wisdom under their belts, adults can function as a kind of external prefrontal cortex to keep adolescents safe. It doesn’t matter if your teen is a mature decision-maker; at a Florida beach with thousands of young adults driven by dopamine and hormones, even the best kids can quickly get in over their heads.
When high school seniors argue that they will be away at college in six months doing whatever they please, I would respond that after seven months away at school, they will be more ready to handle the temptations of spring break. Hopefully they will have learned how to take care of themselves and their friends, so that their experience is fun and safe.
It’s fine if your teenager doesn’t like my ideas. Your responsibility is to be a parent, not a best friend. With age and life experience, your children someday will look back and thank you for stepping up and setting boundaries.
Tim Jordan, M.D., is a behavioral pediatrician who specializes in counseling girls ages 6 through college. He recently launched an online video parenting course, Taking Flight: Everday Parenting Wisdom to Help Girls Soar. For more information, visit drtimjordan.com.