I’ve counseled so many teen girls whose parents constantly dangle the threat of taking away their phones. They’re reasoning: “It’s my only leverage!” I beg to differ; the absolute best leverage is the state of a parent’s relationship with their adolescent. The following are ways parents can stay close with teens and remain an influence in their lives.
1. Make regular deposits into your “goodwill account with them.” Deposits look like listening without interrupting, being respectful by not yelling and valuing their opinions. These could also include spending special one-on-one time together and being curious about their interests, experiences and how they view issues.
2. Be a good listener. Put yourself in their shoes and see their experiences from their point of view. Mirror what you hear them share to be sure you are hearing them correctly. Once they feel fully heard, empathize with them. Underneath their often surly attitudes is a kid who still wants and needs to bounce things off of us.
3. Be fully present. When you are with them, put away phones and devices to give them your full attention. Have them do the same.
4. Ask permission before you give advice. When working with teens, I’ve learned to always ask permission before I offer feedback or suggestions. If they respond half-heartedly, I’ll ask a second time. If they say yes, then and only then do I offer my advice. It shows respect and ensures that they will actually listen to it.
5. Watch your judgments. Teenagers are sensitive to the judgments of others. I had a 16-year-old patient once who shared that a girl in her grade was pregnant. Her dad’s quick response was, “Well, that doesn’t surprise me. She’s always been boy crazy and kind of slutty.” Hearing that, his daughter will never feel safe enough to share anything about boys, dating or sexuality. Teens have also told me over and over that when their parents judge their friends, it feels like they are also judging them.
6. Trust that they know what’s best for them. As teens progress through high school, it becomes increasingly important that they have the autonomy and encouragement to make choices for themselves, like whether or not to attend college, where to go to college, and what studies they want to pursue. Teens need to take responsibility for their lives because it’s only with autonomy that they will become fully engaged and fulfilled in their endeavors.
7. Share your stories. Teens see their parents as the finished product of adulthood. They didn’t see mom and dad in their awkward middle and high school years, resplendent with acne, braces and insecurities. Sharing stories about times when you faced similar challenges or felt similar emotions lets them know that you really do understand what they are going through.
8. See them in their highest light. When teenagers are struggling with the normal ups and downs of adolescence, it’s hard for them to remain confident and self-assured. One of the greatest gifts we can give them is to see through their present day uncertainties and maintain full faith that they are more than their present struggles. It lets them know that we have full faith that they will get through the turbulent teen years and become healthy, confident, successful and fulfilled adults.
Tim Jordan, M.D., is a Behavioral Pediatrician who counsels girls aged grade school thru college. Listen to his weekly podcast, Raising Daughters, to gain information on raising strong, resilient girls. For more info on Dr. Jordan’s retreats, summer camps and books visit drtimjordan.com.