Teenagers not talking with their parents is an old story, but I thought I’d add a new reason why this phenomenon occurs and how you can avoid it. I’ll use the metaphor of the turtle and the hailstorm to demonstrate my advice. Your teenager, aka the turtle, has started retreating into her shell because she wants, needs and deserves more privacy. Her world has naturally expanded as she enters middle school and eventually high school, and her friendships change often. As a result, parents start to know fewer and fewer of her friends and their parents. She will start to drive and begin spending more time in her room connecting with friends on her devices, away from the family.
Parents, aka the hailstorm, begin to worry more due to this growing sense of disconnection. Your adolescent turtle also is showing signs of being on an emotional roller coaster, but when you ask her what’s going on, she marches off to her bedroom. This, of course, further worries the parents, and they start to hail a bit louder by asking more questions and checking every single text and social media post.
The turtle feels even more annoyed, and in response, retreats further into her shell, giving out even less information. Little do they know, but parents who feel disconnected from their teens worry more, not less, and thus the intensity of their inquiries heightens. Does this cycle sound familiar?
Fortunately, there is a way out of this spiral. First, parents need to stop hailing. Watch your intensity and tone when talking to your turtle. Coming at them with angst or anger just makes it worse. Do not join their emotional roller coaster; someone needs to stay calm. Also, pick appropriate times to talk with them. Right after school is the worst time to get anything out of most teens. They need some quiet, alone time to decompress and process the school day. Better times to talk are while driving, when walking the dog or before bed. Use your mirroring skills to really hear them: “So what I heard you say is __. Did I get that right? Tell me more.” Finally, ask permission before you give advice.
Turtles, listen up. Your job, should you choose to accept it, is to poke your head out of your shell and share enough so your parents feel connected. Let them know what you think about big issues like drugs, alcohol, sexuality and your future. It’s much easier for them to stop hailing if they feel like you are being thoughtful about issues. Invite your new friends over so your parents can meet them. The more open and transparent you are, the easier it is for them to trust you and let go.
So that’s it. Both sides just focus on your part, and your relationship will settle down. You do not have to be at odds with each other during the teen years. If you respect each other’s needs, the turtle will emerge and the hailstorm will dissipate.
Tim Jordan, M.D., is a behavioral pediatrician who specializes in counseling girls ages 6 through college. He recently launched an online video parenting course, Taking Flight: Everyday Parenting Wisdom to Help Girls Soar. For more information, visit drtimjordan.com.