The culture has conditioned us to believe that our lives should be busy, filled with work and activities and enrichment opportunities for kids. Parents take their work home each night and every weekend, even giving up vacations. The current driving cultural narrative has become connect with more people, gather more information and perform faster. Photos and likes are more important than the experience. This unrelenting drive causes people to experience information overload, overstimulation and a perceived lack of control over their lives. When we ask how friends are doing, the answer is no longer, “Fine.” More often we hear an exasperated, “Busy!” Being rushed, and stress have become a communicable disease, a badge of honor. Busyness is now a competition, and we don’t feel normal unless we’re stressed out.
Parents also are motivated by a common fear. It’s not about keeping up with the Joneses like in the 1950s; today, it’s about keeping up with the Joneses’ children. We’ve become so fearful of our kids getting left behind that we overindulge, overschedule and micromanage their lives, overfocusing on achievement over character. Kids have joined the rat race of grades, college acceptance, sports and popularity. It’s no wonder they are rushing around trying to do more, be the best and impress everyone.
Oh, and did I mention the effects of smartphones and social media? Kids have become allergic to boredom despite the evidence that when we’re bored is when we have our most original and creative thoughts. Kids and parents alike have been conditioned to check our devices nonstop. Research shows that people check their phones up to 150 times a day on average. That shot of dopamine we receive when our phone pings or we scroll creates a craving, a desire to want more.
Another important cause of our busy existence: multitasking. Multitasking has been found to increase the production of the stress hormone cortisol as well as the fight-or-flight hormone adrenaline, which can overstimulate your brain and cause mental fog or scrambled thinking. You work longer and make more errors, creating a feeling of anxiety. Multitasking creates a dopamine-addiction feedback loop, effectively rewarding the brain for losing focus and for constantly searching for external stimulation. All of this contributes to feeling rushed.
All of us, kids and parents alike, need to create “gaps” in our daily schedules. These are moments where we are unplugged from all devices, unreachable and fully present with whomever we are with. We all need more quiet, reflective times that allow for boredom, creativity and depth of thinking. We can consciously stop multitasking. Individuals and families can create device-free zones and times to allow for deeper conversations and connections. Everyone can be more mindful about setting boundaries around our schedules so that there is ample time for down time. Make choices about how your family spends time based on what you value versus what everyone else is doing.
The main costs of all of this busyness and rushing around is that kids and parents feel restless, dissatisfied, stressed out and disconnected. These emotions push us to do more and faster to fill our emptiness or to ensure we don’t fall behind. We’ve been conditioned to keep scrambling to the top in this relentless race to nowhere.
Take back control of your time, your priorities, and your mental health. I’ll leave you with a quote from Mother Teresa: “Everybody today seems to be in such a terrible rush, anxious for greater developments and greater riches and so on, so that children have very little time for their parents. Parents have very little time for each other, and so in the home begins the disruption of the peace of the world.”
Tim Jordan, M.D., is a Behavioral Pediatrician who counsels girls aged grade school thru college. Listen to his weekly podcast, Raising Daughters, to gain information on raising strong, resilient girls. For more info on Dr. Jordan’s retreats, summer camps and books visit drtimjordan.com.