The label ‘grandparents’ seems to me to be a misnomer—there should not be much parenting in the role. My wife and I are the proud grandparents of three grandsons and one granddaughter. So I know of what I speak.
In the U.S., around 70% of adults 65 and older are grandparents—accounting for around 67 million people. Being raised with a grandparent has been associated with greater stability and safety, the maintenance of relationships with family members and the continuation of cultural identity and community ties. The golden rule for grandparents is to provide unconditional love and emotional support while not interfering with the rules and family dynamics established by the child’s parents. Perhaps a better name for us should be grand-playmates.
Most grandparents are not working full time, allowing them to be more patient, less driven and more present with their grandkids. I find grandparents less controlling and more willing to follow children’s lead. We find it easier to derive pleasure from the moments due to not being focused on how the activity might affect our grandchildren’s future. Having fun doing anything is a means to an end, unlike the relentless focus on adding to college applications. I don’t care about that so much as enjoying the moments I have with my grandkids.
A girl I counseled shared a special tradition she had with her grandma. Right after Sunday dinners, the two of them would sneak off, getting out of washing dishes so that they could go for a long walk, just the two of them. At the start of the ritual, the two closed their eyes and spun around. Whichever direction they stopped is the direction in which they proceeded to walk. It never mattered which direction they headed, as long as it was together. Kids need caring adults who have “all the time in the world” to listen to them or play games or take long walks.
Another girl told me that when her parents needed a break, her grandpa would take her to a library. It was a different library every time, and he would always help her pick out a fun book to read. Her favorite library was connected to a cafe, and he got her hot cocoa to drink while she read her new book. To this day, every time she goes into a library, she fondly recalls those special times with her grandpa and is forever grateful she could share so many memories with him.
Sharing stories about their childhood is a way to build a sense of belonging connecting kids to their ancestors. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: “We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire hanging from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony in the forest outside our yard, and we picked wild raspberries in the woods every fall.” The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!” Studies show that adolescents who grow up knowing family stories have less anxiety, higher self-esteem, better self-control and fewer behavioral problems. The stories you tell can also impart values and life lessons.
Grandparents can bring such joy, history, calm and unconditional loving support to their grandchildren. And it goes both ways, as we also gain so much joy and energy and love from them. This final story describes so well the innocence and love that kids give us.
An elderly woman noticed that her granddaughter felt embarrassed by her freckles. “I love your freckles,” she said, kneeling beside the girl and admiring her face. “Not me,” the child replied. “Well, when I was a little girl I always wanted freckles,” the grandmother said, tracing her finger across the child’s cheek. “Freckles are beautiful.” The girl looked up. “Really?” “Of course,” said her grandmother. “Why just name one thing that’s prettier than freckles.” The little girl peered into the old woman’s smiling face, aglow with kindness and love. “Wrinkles,” she answered softly.
Tim Jordan, M.D., is a Behavioral Pediatrician who counsels girls aged grade school thru college. Listen to his weekly podcast, Raising Daughters, to gain information on raising strong, resilient girls. For more info on Dr. Jordan’s retreats, summer camps and books visit drtimjordan.com.