J.R. Tolkien wrote in The Fellowship of the Ring, “All who wander are not lost.” That sentiment certainly holds true for our young adults.
Girls in my counseling practice, retreats and camps tell me how stressed out they are about their futures. What used to be a common refrain about angst from high schoolers has now filtered all the way down to girls in early grade school. Let me discuss what they share with me.
First, kids absorb a belief from parents, the educational system and the culture that there is one, narrow path to a successful life. Everyone must strive for straight As, gain acceptance to a top college, graduate into a fabulous job making boatloads of money and make it to the top of their career ladder. Unfortunately, this one-size fits all model doesn’t fit the majority of people. In the U.S. today, only around 35% of people 25 years of age and older hold a bachelor’s degree. Young adults tell me they get judged big time if they say they are going to attend a trade school or go into a career such as cosmetology or auto mechanics. We need to affirm the importance of every career.
In addition, teens feel stress and shame when they don’t know what college they want to attend, what major to study or what their career choice is. In his book Dark Horse Project, Todd Rose describes how the old path of having a career goal, putting your nose to the grindstone and climbing the institutional ladder until you someday find success and fulfillment is not accurate. The successful people he studied valued passion, a sense of purpose and, most importantly, fulfillment. It was the pursuit of fulfillment that led to success, not the other way around. It was being deeply engaged in their passions that brought joy and happiness as they were working. These successful people embraced the winding, meandering career path. Their interests and motivations changed over time because they changed. Work preferences and life preferences don’t stay the same because we don’t stay the same. The first step is to prioritize fulfillment; you must honor your deepest yearnings and aspirations.
When young adults see all of the choices and freedoms they have, it brings a sense of excitement but also fear. Freedom means choices but also the knowledge we can mess up our own lives—it is both wonderful and terrifying. You are radically free to both create and ruin your life. You can choose the safe route of doing things to please others or stand out and go against the grain. Teens tell me all of the time that they do not want to settle like they think their parents did, but settling seems safer. It’s the path of least resistance.
I tell young adults that the price of freedom is some uncertainty and some anxiety. There is no pill or cure for this, so they need to learn to embrace these feelings, normalize them and find healthy ways to express them. They’ll also have to learn to live with uncertainty, change and being out of their comfort zone. Parents need to teach kids healthy coping skills, allow them to make mistakes and get frustrated, go through periods of feeling lost or uncertain, and to overcome these challenging times. That’s how they will learn perseverance, resilience and gain confidence.
Kids, teens and young adults need to be educated about pursuing what fulfills them. They need support in acknowledging and embracing the uncertainty and anxiety that comes with freedom and choices. Reading biographies and watching documentaries about successful people can give them the courage to trust that the meandering path will result in their life unfolding in its own unique way and in its own unique time. All who wander truly are not lost and are actually on the road to fulfillment. I’ll leave you with a quote from Steve Chandler to sum it up:
“Listen to the clues. The next time you feel real joy, stop and think. Pay attention. Because joy is the universe’s way of knocking on your mind’s door. Hello in there. Is anyone home? Can I leave a message? Good! The message is that you are happy, and that means that you are in touch with your purpose.”
Tim Jordan, M.D., is a Behavioral Pediatrician who counsels girls aged grade school thru college. Listen to his weekly podcast, Raising Daughters, to gain information on raising strong, resilient girls. For more info on Dr. Jordan’s retreats, summer camps and books visit drtimjordan.com.