I’ve always wanted to appear on the talk show Ellen; before, it was actually The Mike Douglas Show but he is long gone. Why do I think I have anything to say? You see, when people realize I write this column, they always have questions. For a few moments I feel almost famous until they also want to discuss any delivery problems they have with their issue of Town&Style. So here’s the transcript from my fictional appearance on The Mike Douglas Show.
I enter, stage left, holding a martini and looking quite comfortable. No flop sweat for me. I air kiss Mike.
Where do you get the idea for columns? They pop into my head, which is why I always carry a notebook. Often someone will say something, and it will lead me down a path. The best is when someone says, ‘This better not end up in your column,’ because right at that moment, I will stop and think what are they doing that is so darn interesting and I make sure to include it!
Does anyone get mad about the things you write? Yes. Some people don’t think I am funny and will send an email to tell me. But hey, I worked in the financial services industry for a lot of years, so I learned to take nothing personally. I do think my family, especially my brothers and sister, are pretty good sports about what I write about them. I am forbidden to write about my children. And I think my mom is just hoping that one of these days I will find a new career.
Are there columns you wish you had not written? Yes. But I will not tell you which ones because that’s like telling you about the men I wish I had not dated.
Do you ever get writer’s block? I get it every single week. My column is due on Wednesday, and the Thursday before is when I usually want to call my editor and tell her I can’t possibly turn in an article because I’ve run out of things to say. By Friday, I have an idea and I’ve calmed myself down.
Do you think you are funny? Sometimes. I think I am more snarky than funny. In my prior life, I used to travel around talking about taxes and retirement plans. I learned that if you didn’t want the audience to fall asleep, you better have some sort of schtick or you would never be invited back. I have a real need to be wanted, so I made taxes fun.
Do you have any suggestions for my daughter who wants to be a writer? Absolutely none about writing, because this gig I have is a total fluke. I got lucky. But I will say for anyone starting a new job that the key to success is being willing to do whatever anyone else won’t, as long as it is legal.
Would you ever consider being a talk show host? Only if I could work with my idol, Andy Cohen. He is just like Mike, but currently alive and much naughtier.
Contact Patty at phannum@townandstyle.com.