I am still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I have some of my best ideas right before I fall to sleep. Unfortunately, by the time morning comes along, the ideas seem pretty ridiculous. Am I the only one who does this? What would you be if you could snap your fingers and make it happen?
My most recent idea was to become an intellectual. I am not sure that is even a real career, but I pictured myself sitting around talking about books, quoting from the world’s greatest authors and helping students understand their meaning. I would consult with the leaders of the free world and work toward solutions to the world’s greatest problems. Dream big or go home, right? So, I decided that my first step should be to spend some time reading the true classics, like The Illiad or The Odyssey. I love to read, but since graduating from college, I have tended to steer clear of reading anything that requires contemplation or a dictionary at my side.
To get my brain in shape, I decided I would start with an author I had read before and who was a native St. Louisan. So Andy Cohen’s new book, The Andy Cohen Diaries, was quickly read and enjoyed. Next up was The Odyssey. I found the print to be really, really tiny and even with my 3.00+ reading glasses , I couldn’t read it. So I set it aside until I could get stronger glasses and decided to read Amy Poehler’s Yes Please. You know, I think Amy is a classic comedian, so I felt like I was making a little progress. Plus, people tell me I look like a slightly older Amy Poehler.
I got stronger glasses, picked up The Odyssey once again, and this time I could see the words but decided the only Homer in my life was going to be Homer Simpson. My idea of becoming an intellectual was quashed. I still think, however, that a meeting with the world’s leaders would be very productive. I do have lots of opinions.
My next great idea was to host my own talk show. I am very entertained by myself. I can make myself laugh—it’s a gift. Raschelle Burton, my writing partner for the Backtalk column, and I have been part of two radio programs, but alas, it has not turned into a regular on-air job. So when I heard that Kathie Lee Gifford from The Today Show would be selling her wine at a Winn-Dixie while I was in Florida, I thought that was a perfect time to pitch my idea: I could be Hoda Kotb’s back up. I waited in line, and Kathie Lee greeted me like we were old friends. She hugged me, we chatted. I have no recollection of what was said, but I am quite certain that she will not be dumping Hoda and asking me to join her as her new co-host. Another idea blown.
I know the solution to my next career move is just a night of sleep away. In the meantime, I have signed up for a writing workshop that focuses on memoirs. My life has not been all that interesting, so I hope it won’t be a problem if my memoir is fictional. Wait, maybe that’s it, I should write the next great American novel! In 100 years, people will not be talking about Homer; they will be talking about Hannum.
[You can contact Patty at phannum@townandstyle.com.]