The recent story of NFL player Ray Rice hitting his girlfriend really bothered me. I work with so many teenage girls and women in their 20s that it sickens me to think about how many of them might suffer the same fate some day. Statistics from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention bear out my fears. As prom night approaches, the combination of alcohol and hormones can provide a disastrous mix.
About one-third of U.S. adolescents are victims of physical, sexual, emotional or verbal abuse from a dating partner; fully one-fourth of high school girls are victims of physical or sexual abuse. Girls between the ages of 16 and 24 have the highest rate of partner violence, and 70 percent of college students say they have been sexually coerced. This sets in motion a downward spiral, as victims of dating violence face a higher risk for substance abuse, risky sexual behaviors, eating disorders and further domestic violence.
Among an adolescent girl’s best protections against dating violence is intuition. Girls tell me that when a guy walks into a party, their radar goes off telling them that he either feels safe or that he seems like a creep. I strongly encourage them to trust that internal alarm. But in order to do that, they first have to be aware of how it feels when their alarms are going off; they have to notice it, and then respond to it by taking some sort of action to take care of themselves. This is where I worry that girls have become out of touch.
When I asked a group of adolescent girls on a recent weekend retreat how many of them take some time regularly to be alone and quiet, the answer I received matched what I have heard from young women the past four or five years: zero. And when I ask them why not, the answer is always the same: There’s no time. There is no time anymore for solitude, reflection, soul-searching or self-discovery. Particularly during their transformative adolescent years, girls need to go inward to know what they are feeling, know what they need, and to connect with that inner voice that knows the answers to their questions and what is right for them. I want every girl to make decisions out of that place instead of being swayed by external pressures.
I want them to rely on their gut intuition, but in order to do that, they need to be aware of that intuition, to recognize when it is kicking in. And that comes from being able and willing to check in with themselves. That’s where today’s hyper-busy schedules and electronic distractions do the most damage. Girls are experts at being busy and distracted, but unprepared to be quiet, mindful and directed inward. We have a responsibility to teach girls these skills, and it’s best to begin by middle school age, when many of them start to ‘date.’ Girls haven’t lost their intuition; they just don’t know how to access it. Make sure that in addition to the dress, corsage, heels and hairdo you include discussions about knowing and trusting gut feelings when it comes to boys. The back seat of a car is not the place to learn this skill.
By Dr. Tim Jordan
Tim Jordan, M.D. is a Behavioral Pediatrician who specializes in counseling girls ages 6 through college. For more information, go to drtimjordan.com.