Isabel, 15, had been suffering with depression for the past year and had no clue as to the cause. She started crying in my office when I asked about her family, in particular when she described her younger brother, Henry. He had started having explosive outbursts eight years ago, and for the past six months, he had been getting physically aggressive with Isabel. When I inquired how his behavior had affected her, her tears turned to deep sobs.
Henry had demanded most of the family’s attention for years, and the parents had been stressed trying to care for him. This left them with very little time or energy for Isabel, so she grew up quickly and became very self-sufficient. This is common for kids who grow up with siblings who are mentally,
physically or psychologically challenged. Isabel looked at her drained parents and saw that they had enough on their plates, so she decided that her brother’s needs were more important than hers. She also came to believe that she shouldn’t have needs, and that her job was to make everyone else happy. Henry’s continued struggles led her to believe she had failed him, a major component of her depression.
Parents of special-needs children often ignore the needs of their other kids, especially when those kids seem independent and stable. The adage, ‘the squeaky wheel gets the grease,’ really fits well here. On one hand, Isabel liked feeling valuable and grown up, but on the other hand, she felt cheated of her fair share of love and attention. Kids like Isabel never learn to advocate for themselves or reach out when they are vulnerable or hurting. Not asking for what you want means you often don’t get it, leading to a growing stockpile of resentment and unhappiness.
I encouraged Isabel to start sharing her needs and ask for what she wants, including time with her parents. She is working on shifting her belief about being responsible for everyone’s happiness, and embracing the idea that it’s OK to have needs. Parents need to remember that the siblings of special-needs kids also need their time, love and support.
Tim Jordan, M.D., is a behavioral pediatrician who specializes in counseling girls ages 6 through college. For more information, visit drtimjordan.com.