My teenage daughter has gained some weight over the past year. What is the best way for me to encourage her to go on a sensible diet to lose weight and get healthy?
jill: Every expert I consulted said that encouraging your teen to diet is a very bad idea. Diets often provoke disordered eating, exercise addiction and full-blown eating disorders in teens and young adults. Eating disorders are among the most deadly mental health issues. By telling your daughter to lose weight, you’re sending a direct message that she’s not good enough.
Even teens who are medically overweight often are in a restriction/binging pattern that is not solved by dieting. If that is your daughter’s situation, she needs a therapist to understand her relationship with food. If you can’t accept your daughter for who she is, it’s time for you to head to a therapist for some support, too.
beth: Young women are bombarded with images of unattainable physical ‘perfection.’ As a result, they are on red alert about their own (perceived) shortcomings. Parents who want to hint at dieting by suggesting ‘healthier choices’ are playing with fire. Teenage girls already are scanning for evidence that they are not good enough, and well-intentioned comments can cause harm.
If you really feel the need to talk to your daughter about a diet, then run, don’t walk, to a professional who can help you tease out your issues with weight and perfection before you pass them on to her. Not sure if you fit the bill? Google Lizzo. If her comfort with her own curves scares the hell out of you, then there is ample opportunity for you to grow in this area.
When my college-aged son was staying with my parents in Florida, I received a call that my dad and his wife insisted he join them at a cocktail party for the third night in a row. My son did not want to go, and my dad is furious. I feel caught in the middle.
beth: Wow, what I would give to have one more night with my grandparents. Like it or not, when we are house guests, we generally follow along with our host’s plans. Hopefully, your son can find a way to make the most of his time with your parents and their friends.
jill: I don’t think it’s your job to mediate. If your son is old enough for cocktail parties, he’s old enough to work this out (even if it’s a little messy). Should he adhere to the grandparents’ social schedule? Should grandpa be more flexible with his guest’s wishes? Unless there was actual wrongdoing on either side (lying, putting someone in danger, etc.), this issue is theirs to hash out.
Jill Farmer is a master certified life coach, author and time management aficionado. Beth Chesterton is a master certified executive coach and an expert in organizational development. If you have a question that needs an honest answer, email advice@townandstyle.com.