I have a friend who always seems to ask really personal questions, like “Are you two thinking about getting married?” She is very entertaining until she starts her interrogation. How do I get her to stop?
—Pleading the Fifth
[patty]
OK, which one of my family members or friends sent this question? You have just described a night out with me. My intent in asking questions is really just because I am curious and so is everyone else. Believe me, for every future son-in-law I have ‘interrogated,’ my brothers have been plenty happy for the information. That, of course, lasts until I turn my attention to them. So, what to do about nosy Patty—assuming you still find her enjoyable to be around, other than for this one little nasty habit? Tell her to zip it. If you don’t want to answer the question, don’t. She/I will move on to another topic. She/I can take a hint. Just don’t expect to be at my house for the holidays.
[raschelle]
Dealing with nosy jerks is easy, dealing with nosy delightful people is hard. Telling someone you like to just flat-out zip it is impossible. You’ve got to be funny about it, nudge them back into line clearly and with a certain level of outrageousness that allows you to keep the high ground. That’s right honey, go big or go home. Here is an example from my own life (long ago but still relevant). Soon after I got married, a relative, by marriage, asked me if my then-husband and I “were trying to have kids.” I was appalled, but fortunately not thrown off my game, so I replied, “Are you really asking me about my sex life?” She was mortified, and rightly so. You see, the best way to counter humiliation is with higher-level humiliation.
I am constantly being told to smile by strangers. I am not unhappy but my face just doesn’t look happy. It is annoying to be called out for something I can’t control. Can you give me a snappy retort?
—Put on a Happy Face
[patty]
I am going to give you the clinical diagnosis for what you have. It is called, resting bitch face or RBF. MY RBF began in my thirties, when I started to get fine lines in my face as a result of age, two small children, working full time and lots of sun damage. If I had a dollar for every time someone told me to smile because “it can’t be that bad,” I would have a private jet. I have tried botox, filler, lasers, you name it; my RBF remains. So, since this is a family newspaper, I cannot recommend that you use one of your fingers as a response, but I can suggest you say, “Oh sorry, just thinking about [insert whatever horrible current event is going on].” That clearly sends the message that you are a caring, compassionate person and no one in their right mind should be smiling!
[raschelle]
I saw a documentary on YouTube about that syndrome, Patty. It was enlightening, for sure. In fact, it was the first time I understood my plight. My takeaway from that three-minute video, although the narrator didn’t suggest it, was to enlist in yoga and try to live in the moment. You know, to be at peace with where I find myself. So now when I walk down the street, I smile at the oak trees and breathe in the song of the birds. I literally stop and smell the roses, you could say. And guess what, strangers no longer tell me to “smile” anymore. In fact, people no longer make eye contact with me; they cross the street to get out of my path. I’ve gone from being seen as mean to being seen as deranged. So put on your best fake smile and go scare the hell out of everyone.
[Patty Hannum’s favorite game is 20 Questions. Raschelle Burton avoids personal questions at all costs; she prefers to make up the facts.]
Photo: Colin Miller of Strauss Peyton