I have a friend who always makes plans and inevitably cancels at the last minute. I am beginning to take this personally. Should I say something?
—Tired of Being Stood Up
PATTY: First, repeat after me: “It is not me, it is her,” because it is. If your friend continues to make plans with you, it is apparent that she wants to spend time with you. It seems like her life just gets in the way. Yes, perhaps she should prioritize and plan a little better, but saying something won’t help. It will just make her feel bad, and I am sure she already does every time she cancels. So instead, only make plans with her during the week, never give up a weekend. And always assume she is going to cancel, so when she doesn’t, you will be pleasantly surprised.
RASCHELLE: So you have a flaky friend …trust me, we all do—sometimes we are the flaky friend! Sometimes I get so wrapped up in the latest Buzz Feed quiz, I forget to text you back, or I’m just too exhausted from my day and unable to do anything more than lay down on my bed and go to sleep. And honestly, sometimes I just get a better offer because you bore me and I don’t really want to hear about your spouse’s bad manners, your love of barre class and the body it gives you, or your struggle to potty train your new puppy. Does any of this make me a bad person? No! So if you’re tired of your friend standing you up, you might want to ask her what is going on. Your friend might just be a little flaky, or it might be that Patty is wrong: It might not be your friend, it just might be you.
My husband and I are friends with a married couple that pick at each other whenever we are together. It is usually over silly things like mispronouncing a word or not accurately telling a story. I don’t doubt that these two are committed to each other, but the constant back and forth between them gets old. What can I say to get them to stop?
— Make It Stop
PATTY: Absolutely nothing. I doubt they even realize they are doing it. For them, this is just the way they communicate. I refer to these people as the Bickersons. You are likely bothered because if your spouse talked to you this way, you would punch him in the arm. Unless one of them expresses their annoyance, stay out of it and just remember that everyone communicates their love for each other in their own weird way. If it helps, pretend they are brother and sister; no one ever seems to mind how snarky siblings are to each other.
RASCHELLE: There’s nothing that puts me in the fetal position faster than marital strife, and yes, bickering about how to pronounce quinoa is strife. As you know, I’m not married and I don’t have this in my life on purpose, so I may be overly sensitive to it, but trust me: No one wants to be involved in it in real life or online. Yes this happens on social media too—I know, shocking. My favorite is the sudden antagonistic relationship status change in the middle of the night. But at least that is subtle and doesn’t really require a comment. Here’s the thing though: In real life, you can and should say something. How about this: “Hey guys, you know we can hear you, right?” Or my other favorite tactic: Go sit at the table with the kids; it won’t be bicker-free, but at least it is age appropriate.
[Patty Hannum appears to have taken a vow of silence this week but assures you it won’t last. Raschelle Burton is a lifelong flaker and wants you all to know it is mostly her and only sometimes you!]
Photo: Colin Miller of Strauss Peyton