Whenever I am not feeling well, one of my friends always suggests some sort of herbal concoction she has heard about. She is forever trying to get me to take a wide variety of vitamin supplements. I am tired of her suggesting things there is no way I will try. How can I get her to stop?
—No Hocus Pocus
[patty]
How about the next time she suggests something you say, “I am sticking to the advice of my doctor and when I complain about an ailment, all I really want you to say is, ‘Oh, I’m sorry. What can I do?,’” Yes, I am suggesting an honest, forthright approach—no snark involved. Now, I consider myself somewhat of a medical professional just by the large amount of time I spend on webmd.com researching my ailments and those of my friends, so I am a big believer in always seeking medical treatment from someone with an M.D. attached to their name. That said, acupuncture has helped me with both migraines and hot flashes. I have no idea how or why but it does, and I continue to use this Eastern form of medicine. As far as medicinal herbs, I have no comment—wait, did I just say I have no comment?
[raschelle]
I am a close friend of the world’s biggest hypochondriac (no, not you Patty), and that makes me uniquely qualified to say what I’m about to say: Your friend is exhausted by your ailments. I mean, listening to stories about weird skin growths and gastrointestinal calamities is seriously rough goin’ after a while. So here’s my advice: Listen and smile and thank her because what you’re subjecting her to is immeasurably worse than the help she is trying to offer you. Be grateful that she cares enough to continue to listen to you wax on about rashes and acne and hair loss and so forth. And you know what else? I hear lemon balm cures crankiness.
I have a friend who would be gorgeous if she would just fix her teeth. How do I suggest a trip to the orthodontist?
—Straighten Up
[patty]
Oh no, you have a case of the “If she would just … then … ” I suffered from that for many years of my life. If I could just lose 10 pounds, then … ; If I could just work out every day, then … ; If I could just get rid of my resting bitch face (rbf), then … Your case is interesting, though, since you are pushing this off on your friend instead of analyzing your own flaws. Well played. So, butt out. Her teeth are none of your business. If you were a good friend, you would start obsessing over the wrinkles on your forehead and leave your friends alone.
[raschelle]
Oh, how I wish life were fair and that attractiveness didn’t matter, but life isn’t fair and the way you look does matter. I did an entire masters thesis on the topic, and guess what? Beautiful people get some (actually, a lot of) benefits the rest of us don’t. Look it up if you don’t believe me. So I disagree with Patty. I think you are practically a humanitarian in this situation, and I commend you. I think your best bet is to couch your suggestion in something less shallow than physical appearance, something like dream symbolism. Tell her that in dreams, crooked teeth (I assume they’re crooked) are a sign of being embarrassed about your image and that you dreamed about her crooked teeth. Ask her what she thinks it means … see what she says. Then drive her directly to the best orthodontist you can find. She’ll thank you one day.
» Patty Hannum is stunned to learn she is not the biggest hypochondriac Raschelle knows and will work harder to get to first place.
» Raschelle Burton keeps her ailments to herself, mostly.