Christina, 17 years old, cried her eyes out in my office recently because of an abrupt breakup with her boyfriend of 18 months. Both seniors-to-be, they have already started the slow but steady progression of moving on and away from their childhood.
They’re going through what my old mentor, Dr. T. Berry Brazelton, calls a touchpoint: a big leap in development. Just prior to and during such phases, kids feel out of sorts, crabby, restless and sometimes angry. So as your high school seniors quickly approach a very important touchpoint, consider the following ideas to best manage the next 12 months.
1. Let go! This should be a lifelong process beginning in the child’s first years. Start letting go of things like checking their electronic messages, choosing whom they hang out with, and especially knowing where they are 24/7. A year from now they will be on their own, and you will have zero control over their comings and goings.
2. Become a consultant. It’s time to shift your role from disciplinarian/teacher to more of what my friend and author Mike Rierra calls a ‘consultant.’ Young adults still need sounding boards and mentors, and they will turn to you if you are a good listener and let go of being in control.
3. Ask permission before giving advice. This shows teens respect and allows them to be more open to your wisdom and suggestions. This is one of the most important tools I have learned in working with teenagers.
4. You may not know what is best for them. This is a tough pill for many parents to swallow, but it’s time. Seniors need to learn their own lessons in their own way and in their own time as they carve out their personal journey.
5. Support. Clarify with them how they want to be supported in the process of picking a college or job. Their responsibility is to teach you how to treat them so that they feel loved and supported instead of annoyed and controlled. Above all else, avoid getting into power struggles.
6. Find new ways to connect. Create some new rituals to connect with them that work for both of you. It could be going out for coffee or lunch a few times a month, taking up a hobby together or a cooking class. Maybe commit to going over college applications and info once a week and not nagging about it the rest of the time.
7. Debunk the college stress myth. Stress is a choice, so give your teen permission to do it differently.
Letting seniors start steering the boat at this time in their lives means that they will have more ownership and fulfillment when they succeed. Remember that you can let go of control without letting go of your love for them. You just love them differently in a way that feels more respectful. Sometimes the best way to support them is to get out of their way.
[Tim Jordan, M.D., is a Behavioral Pediatrician who specializes in counseling girls ages 6 through college. For more information, go to drtimjordan.com.]