When my 87-year-old uncle died, it got me thinking about his and my dad’s generation. We’ve been hearing and reading since the ’60s about the oppression of women in our culture, but I realized that men of that era also experienced oppression, only in a different way.
My dad had just finished his second year of college when he enlisted for the Korean War. He had considered becoming a professional bowler and had traveled the circuit with some success. Instead, he married my mom, went on a short honeymoon, and was off to basic training and then to Germany, where he was stationed for three years. Nine months and 3 days after the wedding, my brother Pat was born. My dad didn’t see him until my mom moved to Germany nine months after that. When they returned to the U.S., they were toting Pat, my bother Mike, 10 months old, and the just-about-ready-to-be-born me in her belly. Wow!
So my dad went to work for his dad in the car business, and any dreams of bowling for a living—or finishing college—were dashed. My parents went on to have eight children, and they worked their tails off supporting and parenting their large brood. Not much time was spent thinking about their dreams or aspirations; it was nose-to-the-grindstone from then on out.
That was true for many men who came home from World War II and the Korean War. Most quickly got married, and children came shortly thereafter. They didn’t complain; they just put their heads down and got to work, sacrificing their needs for their families. Because that’s what men were supposed to do: provide for family. But I wonder if they didn’t feel some regret from not having the freedom to choose their life’s course, especially when it came to careers. Even though it was not their way, I wonder if, given the chance, they might have yelled out like Albert Finney’s character in Broadcast News: “I’m mad as hell, and I’m not going to take it any longer!”
Fast forward to young men in their 20s and 30s today, and you see a far different picture unfolding. These men are typecast as adrift, unmotivated, lazy, immature and irresponsible. They are delaying marriage until their 30s and living at home in ever-increasing numbers. Young women complain that guys their age would rather hole up in their basements playing video games than get out and grow up. I don’t think I agree with all these negative labels.
What I hear most commonly from young men is that they don’t want to ‘settle’ like their parents did. Many have witnessed parents stuck in loveless marriages or struggling through painful divorces. They don’t see many adults who are fully engaged in work that is meaningful to them. Life seems like one, big, unhappy treadmill to them. So I hope young men take the time to find their passions, to travel and broaden themselves, and to create a destiny of their choosing.
[Tim Jordan, M.D., is a Behavioral Pediatrician who specializes in counseling girls ages 6 through college. For more information, go to drtimjordan.com.]