With the NFL in the hot seat, the issue of child abuse has been once again on the front pages. So is the debate about spanking children, and what is appropriate when ‘disciplining’ our kids.
According to Dr. Murray Straus, who has studied the effects of spanking for 40 years, more than 100 studies have demonstrated the following effects of spanking children: increased probability the child will hit other children, their parents, and dating or marital partners; antisocial behaviors; mental health problems; and even decreased gray matter in the prefrontal cortex of the brain. But there are also additional hidden costs with corporal punishment, ones I have heard straight from kids for years. The following are direct quotes from teens wrote:
>> I felt violated!
>> It leaves me feeling empty and like I’ll never be whole.
>> I felt so bad and betrayed.
>> I lost trust in my dad for a really long time.
>> Getting hit sucks, but when it’s by a parent, it’s like being shot. I felt scared of my dad, and I decided I could never open up and tell him what was going on in my life. I wished he would leave and never come back. I felt unwanted.
The feelings kids are left with after spankings also can affect behaviors that extend into adulthood. Children who feel sadness may shut down, numb out or take on an ‘I don’t care’ attitude, which can result in addictions as adults. Some end up becoming pleasers who give up their own thoughts and needs to avoid their parent’s anger and punishments.
Kids who experience fear from being hit can end up overly sensitive to chaos and anger as adults, as it brings them back to emotions they felt as children. They may become averse to trying new things or taking risks for fear of making mistakes or failing, if, in childhood, those brought severe consequences.
Children who are spanked a lot often lose their self esteem, and as adults, they may have a hard time setting healthy boundaries in their relationships. If you don’t feel a sense of self worth, you won’t do what is necessary to defend yourself, which is why women go back to abusive partners over and over again.
If there is a lot of chaos in a home that makes kids feel out of control, they will internalize that and consequently spend the rest of their lives trying to control everything to create a sense of calm and peace.
The most injurious consequence for kids who are spanked was described well by the last teen girl above: feeling unwanted and unloved. These children may develop trust issues that make it hard for them to experience real closeness in their relationships, including with a marriage partner. Their parents, who they were supposed to be able to count on the most, betrayed their trust, and it’s hard to recover from that. Avoiding closeness may protect them from being hurt again, but it leaves them alone and empty.
I have comforted thousands of kids and teens over the years who were feeling intense emotions after being spanked. There are effective alternatives to discipline kids. There is never a reason to hit a child. It’s time to break the cycle.
[Tim Jordan, M.D., is a Behavioral Pediatrician who specializes in counseling girls ages 6 through college. For more information, go to drtimjordan.com.]