Shauna, eight month pregnant with her second child, was in my office with her 7-year-old daughter, Lani. My comment to her brought on copious tears: “Wow, I guess Lani will have to share you with her new brother now.” Shauna had been wondering if she was going to be able to provide the time, energy and love both of her children deserved, and often felt like she might not be up to the task. She also worried that the baby would interfere with her close relationship with Lani. Many parents share Shauna’s fears when preparing for a second child. The following are suggestions about how to best get yourself and your family ready for the new addition.
1. watch your emotions: Kids always mirror adults around them. So if you are full of angst when you are talking about the coming baby, your child will pick up on it and become more anxious. Stay matter-offact, and handle your emotions by talking it out with your spouse or other adults when the children are not around.
2. feelings: Give kids permission to express any feelings they have about the baby, which may include happy and excited, but also jealous, angry, resentful or left out. Emotions that are not expressed will eventually leak out, often in unhealthy ways.
3. one-on-one time: Develop rituals with your older child to regularly spend special, one-on-one time with him or her. Kids sometimes can feel dethroned by the arrival of a sibling, so teach them to let you know if they feel left out and to ask for special time.
4. inclusion: I remember my daughter pretending to nurse her doll as she watched my wife breastfeed our son. Most siblings like to be involved in caring for the new arrival, including helping with diapers, feedings, baths or rocking. It makes them feel valuable and part of the team.
5. other adults: Enlist family and friends to take the older child on outings so he or she feels special, connected and loved. Sometimes kids feel safer sharing their feelings with people who are not their parents.
6. date nights: Use grandparents or relatives as babysitters to take a much-needed night off. Parents need opportunities to recharge their batteries and nourish their marriage.
7. nurture yourself: I know from experience how hard it can be to take time out for yourself, but you want to be as calm, nonreactive and present as you can. A tired, depleted parent is more likely to lose it or give in when it comes time to discipline.
8. balance: Allow for plenty of downtime for the whole family. That requires saying no to an excessive number of activities that result in overscheduled kids and families.
Do your best to consciously make decisions that are in the best interests of your whole family, and provide lots of relaxed, fun opportunities to keep everyone feeling loved. Keep in mind these wise words of eminent pediatrician Dr. Spock: “Don’t worry so much, parents. You’re probably doing a better job of parenting than you think you are.” I concur!
Tim Jordan, M.D., is a behavioral pediatrician who specializes in counseling girls ages 6 through college. He recently launched an online video parents course, Taking Flight: Everyday Parenting Wisdom to Help Girls Soar. For more information, visit drtimjordan.com.