Divorces are devastating for children, but there are ways to make it easier on your kids. Here’s a guide to help parents ease the process for their children, allowing for the most painless and positive transition.
1. ANGRY PARENTS = STRESSED KIDS
When parents hold onto a lot of anger toward their ex, children become unfortunate victims. When children keep experiencing arguing or snide comments, it keeps the whole divorce issue front and center and makes it hard for kids to move on. Some adults bad-mouth their ex in front of their kids, and this puts them in the middle of the fighting. Kids hate to feel like they must take sides, and feeling pulled like this causes stress and confusion.
2. DEPRESSED PARENTS = LEFT OUT KIDS
Going through a divorce means you don’t get to see both parents all the time, so when you are with them, you want them to be fully present. Moms or dads who are depressed often isolate themselves, spend a lot of time in their rooms, and are distracted when they are with their children. This makes their children feel left out, disconnected and lonely. Kids who sense that a parent is overwhelmed won’t feel safe expressing their feelings for fear of putting the parent over the edge. Or worse yet, they might become the caretaker for the adult and begin an unhealthy path of putting everyone’s needs before their own.
3. DIVORCE CAN BE CONFUSING FOR KIDS
I’ve met many kids who never saw their parents fight, so when they hear divorce, they are surprised and confused. Adults oftentimes don’t want to tell children about affairs or other personal reasons for the split, but it leaves kids in a state of confusion. Not knowing why their family is falling apart makes it harder for them to process the divorce and move forward.
4. ONLY CHILDREN MAY HAVE IT TOUGHER IN A SPLIT
Having to process through a divorce is tough when you don’t have siblings there for comfort and communication. These kids often spend many nights in their bedrooms, alone, listening to their parents fight. Too often they think they can’t talk to friends about it because they wouldn’t understand if they haven’t been through a divorce, so they hold onto their feelings and go through it alone.
5. DATING TOO QUICKLY CAN FRIGHTEN KIDS
Too many divorcing parents rebound right into another relationship. Parents want their kids to accept their new partner because they are in love and excited, but when they break up, it becomes another loss for the kids. And it’s worse if the companion moves in; kids may grow close to them, and then they are gone. Additionally, a parent dating makes the divorce more final. My advice: Don’t bring a dating partner into your children’s lives until you have a ring and a venue!
Children of divorce need parents who are present, safe listeners, focused on the child’s needs and willing to create a friendly and cooperative relationship with each other. Kids who feel heard, understood, connected and loved will be able to overcome the challenges of divorce.
[Tim Jordan, M.D., is a Behavioral Pediatrician who specializes in counseling girls ages 6 through college. For more information, go to drtimjordan.com.]
