Not long ago, I asked a group of eighth-grade girls what was causing the most stress in their lives, and I think you will be surprised by their answers. It wasn’t girl drama, getting along with their parents, or even their looming entry into high school. No, the culprit was college!
You heard me correctly: college is stressing out kids who aren’t even out of junior high! There is an important parenting lesson somewhere in there. First, I want you to read some of their exact quotes about college.
Bella: “I feel like I have to choose my whole life already; there’s this pressure to take high school classes based on your career path. So if you want to be an accountant, you should take certain math classes. I feel behind already, and I haven’t even started! I’m going to look at some colleges over spring break.”
Ali: “I feel stressed out from being told I should take mostly honors classes in ninth grade or I won’t be able to take better classes the rest of high school. My teachers are telling me what to take all four years of high school, and I haven’t even started! I have no idea what I want to do in college or life!”
Jen: “I had to register last week for my classes in high school, and I felt pressure to pick classes that are based on what my college choices will require. I have no idea where I want to go to college, or even if I want to go. I hate having to think that far ahead.”
I’m with them: this is ridiculous. And these are not affluent kids from private schools whining about Ivy League universities, but rather public school kids reflecting the mounting pressure placed on young people these days.
There is a cultural myth that by the time you are a senior in high school—and for sure by the time you graduate college— you should have your whole life planned out and your career path settled.
Instead, I encourage girls to interview every adult they know and to read biographies of interesting people in order to glean each person’s life path, complete with their mistakes and failures. Young people believe that adults went from point A at age 18 directly to where they are now, along a straight, direct path. That’s just not true for the vast majority of adults. People tend to zigzag their way toward their calling, complete with ups and downs, self-doubt, missteps, and twists and turns, as well as victories. It’s a process that can’t be predicted or forced.
Middle school should be about much more than high school prep, and high school should be far more than four years of college prep. We, as parents, need to help our children value social-emotional skill building, trying out new interests, and developing street smarts and people skills. We need to encourage them to find down time to daydream and reflect. It’s much healthier for them to enjoy the journey. These are their years for self-discovery. Parents, give them permission to explore life!
Tim Jordan, M.D., is a Behavioral Pediatrician who specializes in counseling girls ages 6 through college. For more information, visit drtimjordan.com.
