A friend told me that at her Thanksgiving dinner last year, about 10 minutes after the family settled down to eat, her 93-year-old grandma declared, “I’m ready to go home!” And she was adamant that she wanted to be driven home. Even if you’re judging her as being rude, you’ve got to admire her hutzpah. And I’d love for all kids to have the courage that allows them to not worry about what others think, put their needs first and set clear boundaries.
So many of the kids and teenagers I work with put up with a lot of disrespectful behaviors from friends and dating partners. Most girls are afraid to set boundaries for fear of losing a friend or, worse yet, that friend taking the whole friend group away from them. Losing friends feels like death, and kids try to avoid it at all costs to them. They put up with being teased, ridiculed, excluded, betrayed and gossiped about.
Many girls also put up with toxic dating partners because they don’t want to lose the feeling of being attractive and wanted. This is especially true for those who have accumulated limiting beliefs about themselves due to past adverse experiences. Losing a friend group can cause girls to believe that they are not good enough, awkward or unattractive. Having a disengaged parent, especially a dad for girls, can elicit thoughts of being unlovable or unwanted. These beliefs make them vulnerable to putting up with disrespectful partners for fear of once again losing them. So, what can they do?
First and foremost, kids and teens need to reframe the limiting beliefs they have acquired from past adversities. The truth is that they weren’t left out in sixth grade because of anything about them. Mean behavior from peers is often rooted in insecurity and a push for social power. Parents don’t disconnect from children because they are unlovable; it’s because of distraction and difficulty in their own lives. Kids who have a high sense of deservability and self love are more likely to stand up for themselves and not put up with disrespectful behaviors.
I have girls at my camps make a list of the qualities they look for in a BFF, including what kind of person they are and how they treat you. I then have them compare the list with the friends they spend time with. It’s quite an eye-opener for girls when they see that their friends aren’t living out the qualities of a good friend that are most important to them. I also encourage girls dating toxic guys to switch from focusing on being wanted to what they want.
I educate them about how a good friend would welcome feedback if they are doing something that feels disrespectful or hurtful. A “friend” who gets mad and disengages is telling you more about themselves than you. I encourage them to begin setting boundaries with small things to develop those muscles before they tackle bigger challenges. And I encourage girls to notice how they feel after they have done something to take care of themselves with friends or dating partners; they usually feel more confident and proud.
That 93-year-old grandma didn’t care what people thought about her wanting to go home early, and I want kids to learn to not worry about what others think about them when they set boundaries or express needs. I also want them to be willing to walk away from toxic friends and dating partners to create time and space for healthier friends. This is all a process to learn, but it’s never too late to start. Just ask grandma; she’ll tell it to you straight.
Tim Jordan, M.D., is a behavioral pediatrician who counsels girls aged grade school through college. Listen to his weekly podcast, Raising Daughters, to gain information on raising strong, resilient girls. For more info on his retreats, summer camps and books, visit drtimjordan.com.
