California Bill 967 recently added to the debate over what to do about sexual assaults on college campuses. At the risk of pissing off conservatives, politicians, feminists, men and women, here are a few thoughts on this subject.
It’s hard to pinpoint exact figures on the incidence of rape and sexual assaults on college campuses because some experts think they are under-reported and others feel they’re exaggerated. Bill 967 requires people engaged in sex to continuously keep asking each other if it’s OK to continue; this is called affirmative consent. My thought is this: Why do we need a law to tell young adults the most basic communication/relationship skill? Something is missing here, and the problems with sexuality go way beyond assaults.
The male brain is wired to be attracted to women who have an hourglass figure—large breasts, small waist, flat stomach and full hips—because that tells a man she is young, healthy, fertile and not pregnant. Men are biologically programmed with sexual pursuit circuits that want them to have sex as soon and as often as possible to make sure our genes are passed onto the next generation. That obviously doesn’t condone rape or sexual assaults, but we also can’t ignore how men are wired and how this affects their behavior.
We need to teach boys ways to connect with girls nonsexually, because for many of them, sex is all they see, hear and know. I encourage adolescent boys who are desperate for a girlfriend to first spend a lot of time with girls as friends, so they understand better how to be with them, talk with them and relate to them. Guys need to understand how to read girls’ non-verbal cues that say ‘come closer’ or ‘back off.’ And to respect whenever a girl says ‘no’ to them about their advances, i.e. no means no! Boys also need to learn to articulate their needs in a relationship, and to be able to let a girl know if they feel uncomfortable in any way.
I have girls at my retreats write out what they want in a dating relationship, including sexually, so they spell out their expectations when they are clear-headed, not in the heat of the moment when they may feel pressured and confused. Then they need to articulate these boundaries in a clear and firm manner, not in a wimpy way that gives guys mixed messages.
Girls also need to be aware of their internal alarms, their intuition, which tells them that someone or something isn’t right. Trust that gut feeling, and act on it. They also need to address the potential reasons that could cause them to ignore their alarms: poor self-esteem, which leads to poor boundaries; wanting a guy so desperately that they are willing to forgo what’s right for them; not putting themselves in vulnerable situations where they might not hear the alarms (being drunk or high).
Instead of focusing on more laws, let’s focus on educating boys and girls, men and women, on basic communication and relationship skills before they get into vulnerable situations they aren’t equipped to handle. A friend with benefits needs to be replaced by friends first and foremost, or better yet, friends with skills.
[Tim Jordan, M.D., is a Behavioral Pediatrician who specializes in counseling girls ages 6 through college. For more information, go to drtimjordan.com.]
