Comedian and movie director Judd Apatow once joked about teens being embarrassed by their parents; in this case it was in regard to Johnny Depp: “I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy. Even Johnny Depp’s kid must be like, ‘Oh god, my dad with those freakin’ scarves. This isn’t a pirate ship, it’s Costco, dad.’” I hear so many parents lamenting that their relationship with their kids is changing, becoming more distant as the years go by. And they wonder if they can remain an influence in their children’s lives throughout the teen years and beyond. I say yes they can, but there are some important behaviors that need to be in place for that to happen.
During the middle and high school years, kids are going through some critical life changes, what my old mentor Dr. T. Berry Brazelton called Touch Points. Any time kids, teens or adults are going through a big leap in development or life transition, they tend to feel out of sorts and moody as they work to figure out their transition; think terrible twos, middle schoolers, high school seniors and college seniors. Adults aren’t exempt from these touch points: think empty nest, when our parents pass away, menopause and retirement. So, don’t overreact if your teenager acts indifferent or crabby; be patient and they will pass through the touch point and be back to their usual self.
Make sure you are a safe, nonjudgmental listener. A teen girl told me once that when she shared at the dinner table one night that a girl in her class was pregnant, her dad quickly remarked that it didn’t surprise him because she had always been a slut. That 16-year-old girl told me that she never again felt safe to talk to her dad about boys or sexuality because of his judgmental attitude. You don’t have to agree with your kids to be a good listener; just being fully present and letting them know you hear and understand them is therapeutic and creates a closer connection.
Another suggestion is to be honest with your child about how you are feeling as they grow up. Let them know you want to spend time with them and be helpful, but you’re not always sure how that can look in a way that works for them. We need to let go of being in control of the relationship, so that time with you then becomes a “want-to” versus a “have-to.”
No matter their age, spend time with them where the only purpose is just to be together. Don’t start lecturing them or giving unwanted advice; let the time be relaxed and for the most part allow them to direct the conversations. It’s normal and healthy if your time together looks different than when kids were younger; you’ve both evolved into different people.
Finally, remember that your child still does need you and wants to remain connected, unless you’ve behaved badly. Be sure you clean up any mistakes or untoward behaviors like being judgmental, yelling, being controlling, not treating them as an adult or not being a fully present, safe, nonjudgmental listener. You can remain an important influence in their life throughout the teen years and beyond. Follow these suggestions and enjoy the journey.
Tim Jordan, M.D., is a Behavioral Pediatrician who counsels girls aged grade school thru college. Listen to his weekly podcast, Raising Daughters, to gain information on raising strong, resilient girls. For more info on Dr. Jordan’s retreats, summer camps and books visit drtimjordan.com.
