Patty Unleashed

Patty Unleashed: 3.9.22

My husband Carey and I are fortunate to have a second home in the Florida Keys where we spend the winter months surrounded by blue skies and warm temperatures, instead of St. Louis’ roller coaster winter weather. Unlike some places in Florida, the Keys is not filled with retirees. Many people escape to the Keys to live off the grid, which may be why no one here asks your last name, where you are from or what you do. It is a nice place to be anonymous, and, to be honest, as I have gotten older and crabbier, it is probably best that no one knows my name.

This getting old is weird. My mind still works like it did when I was 40, but that’s about it. Everything else not so much. Carey recently took a picture of me at a local bar, I looked at it and wondered who that person was. She was a wee bit chubby, had bad posture, her skin was sun damaged and her smile looked painful. It got me thinking about life and aging.

You know you are old when …

… offered a 5:45 p.m. or 7:45 p.m. dinner reservation, you jump on the 5:45 p.m. Yep, you can no longer eat late! If you do, you’ll encounter the dreaded acid reflux! Or worse, you won’t be finished in time to get home and watch one of your ‘shows.’

… you no longer watch the 10 p.m. news because you’re asleep but watch the 5 a.m. news because you are awake. All of a sudden, your sleep patterns shift. You become a five-year-old again and need to be tucked in before the end of prime time, and you can’t sleep past 5 a.m. no matter how hard you try.

… you are stirring Benefiber into your drink instead of vodka. Oh, how I miss the days of cooking a meal while sipping on vodka. The meal always tasted better, and I was always happier. Now, I need to make sure I get my fiber so I can be, well, happy.

… you leave the house without makeup. The amount of cover-up I need for all of my brown spots is too much to bother with. Put on a little mascara, add some lip gloss and fluff my hair—that’s as good as it gets. I don’t know, maybe I should check into getting them lasered off. It might be nice to have unblemished skin again!

… you can’t find your glasses because you’re already wearing them. I have walked around my house numerous times looking for my glasses only to find them on my face or on the top of my head. It’s embarrassing. So is putting sunglasses on top of my regular glasses instead of taking them off first.

… you ask your daughter if a piece of clothing is “too young” for you to wear. There are certain stores I will never shop in. I won’t name them, but I refer to them as the “I’ve Given Up Stores.” It is important that I don’t look like I am trying to be too young. Seriously, too young? But then again, I don’t want to look too old. Dear lord, who am I?

So, if anyone has solutions to my conundrums of aging, send me an email. I am open to suggestions! Peace my Peeps!

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