Aging. That’s today’s topic. Sure, we all know we are going to slow down and look older, but there are other weird things that happen that no one prepares you for—until now.

Where did my eyebrows go? Apparently, my eyebrows have disappeared and reappeared on my chin. Yes, I still grow hair on my face but in weird places. I was never an overplucker so it has taken me by surprise that mine have all but disappeared. Yes, there does appear a patch of hair above my eyeballs, but they are all gray and wiry. Without a six week dye job, I would have no eyebrows to frame my face.

What is wrong with my hair? My hair was my best feature, but now it has thinned and grayed. Not normal graying. It looks like someone has used chalk to create a circle around my hairline. Sure. I should be happy that I have hair, but why can’t I look like the men and women in the AARP commercials with the perfect gray hair that sparkles in the sunshine?

What happened to my vision? I need to wear bifocals but can’t because they make me dizzy. So, I have two pairs of eyeglasses, one for distance and one for reading. The rest of the time, I just blindly move around life, asking everyone around me, “Do you know where I put my glasses?” Should I get one of those chains and wear it around my neck? How would that work with two pairs of glasses?

What happened to my balance? I have never been graceful. But I could always stand upright and usually limited myself to one good fall a year—not anymore. I walked into our pool the other day. You know the one filled with water that has been in my backyard for twenty years. Why? Because I bent down to get a ball. Don’t understand? Neither do I. I pray I never come across a sinkhole because it would be my final resting place.

What is with my weight? I swear I have gained and lost the same ten pounds every year for the past ten years. It seems like the worse I eat, the more weight I lose, but whenever I get on a health kick, you know lots of fruits and veggies, I can’t fit into my blue jeans. It is like my body doesn’t want me to eat right—high cholesterol be damned!

What happened to my fashion sense? Have you ever been out and thought you looked pretty darn good but then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and are outraged. Yeah, that’s been happening to me more and more. I think I look cute as I head out the door but quickly realize that what I am wearing doesn’t go together. Could this be because my eyesight is bad, or are you just not meant to be fashionable after a certain age?

Why do I drive like I am a first-time driver? Driving a car used to be something I never gave a thought to. You get in and go, right? But a few years ago, I developed a phobia about merging onto the highway. It is like I can’t operate a motor vehicle without having a panic attack.

I guess that’s enough complaining. I’d rather be old than not so perhaps I should just learn to adjust. Ha! Peace my peeps.