Girls today continue to be haunted and confused by mixed messages absorbed from our culture, leading to excessive stress, pressure, anxiety and depression. These messages come from parents, the education system, social media and more. Let’s unpack what girls absorb that chips away at their mental health and sense of self.
Stephen Hinshaw’s triple bind concept is a good framework for understanding some of the pressures girls face today. They are still expected to conform to stereotypical feminine archetypes, such as being pretty, nice, empathetic, obedient, helpful and great at relationships. But now, they also are expected to embody what are traditionally thought of as masculine traits like being assertive, aggressive, competitive, ambitious and driven.
And if that’s not enough pressure, there is a third leg of the triple bind that tells girls they need to grow up and conform to a narrow, unrealistic set of standards: continue to look pretty, hot, thin and sexy; be a perfect wife and mother with perfect children; climb to the top of their career ladder; and earn a ton of money. And they must achieve all of this while making it look effortless—whew! That is a lot of pressure.
In addition, girls are conditioned to be “good girls.” What does this mean? They are expected to be perfect, nice, pretty, selfless, obedient, graceful, feminine, happy, popular and passive—all of which were adjectives on a list made by a group of 20 middle school girls at one of my recent retreats.
Finally, girls are maneuvering a minefield of mixed messages, such as be nice and likeable but also competitive and ambitious; be smart and assertive but only to an extent; be liked and popular but also authentic; be powerful but not aggressive; take care of yourself but put others’ needs first; and be sexy but not sexual. So, girls are told constantly they can be whatever they want, but you can’t really be yourself because you must conform to society’s narrow, unrealistic standards.
The result of all these pressures and mixed messages is that girls feel confused, stressed and pressured to meet these expectations—causing much of their anxiety and stress. The impossible standards leave girls feeling like they are stuck, have failed and can never be good enough.
I also find that girls end up ignoring their intuition and urges. They give up on themselves and their needs, desires and dreams to conform, be accepted and be loved. Help your daughter become aware of these pressures and expectations and help her to voice what it means for her. They must also learn to look inward for their sense of themselves and to define success and happiness on their own terms.
