In the 19th century, a zoo owner bought an elephant from India. After just a few days, the docile elephant’s personality changed, becoming more agitated and aggressive. It charged towards kids who approached his cage and tried to kill one of his handlers. The owner decided he needed to put it down before someone got killed. To make back his investment, he opted for a public execution, charging money.
Right before the elephant was to be shot, a small man wearing a brown derby walked through the crowd and asked for two minutes with the beast. The zoo owner had the man sign a liability waiver. As the man entered the cage, a hush fell over the crowd. The elephant trumpeted and reared at the man, but he began to speak softly in foreign language. The gentleman stroked the animal’s trunk, and all aggression drained from it. Everyone demanded to know how he had calmed the beast. “He’s an Indian elephant, and none of you spoke his language. He’s not angry, just homesick.” The gentleman left. The zoo owner looked at the waiver to see that it was signed Rudyard Kipling.
Like the elephant, every child has their own language that speaks to their hearts and minds. Each of us has a context whereby we feel safer to open up and be vulnerable and forthcoming. Many children, especially boys, prefer a more shoulder-to-shoulder approach, such as when you are driving in the car, taking a walk or sitting in the stands at a sporting event. I’ve counseled many girls who express themselves more clearly and deeply through writing because it gives them time to think, reflect and process their thoughts and feelings. They can write down what they want to share, then edit and rewrite it until it says exactly what they intend. This feels less intimidating than coming up with their thoughts in a face-to-face interaction, especially if they feel intimidated by a parent.
For some teenagers, instead of asking direct questions about their experience or opinions, you could first ask how their peers are thinking about this issue. Research shows that helping teens step outside of themselves and observe their situation from a third-person perspective helps reduce overall stress, allowing them to think more rationally about a challenge they are facing. A good time for heart-to-heart conversations is during tuck-ins; it’s dark, and kids are often more settled at the end of their day.
Finally, sharing your stories about similar experiences you had at their age allows kids to see that you really can understand what they are going through. Remember that kids weren’t around to see you during your awkward phases when you felt insecure and had lots of self-doubt and issues with friends. Sharing your own past experiences makes you more real and able to relate.
I want each of you to remain an influence in the lives of your children throughout the teen years and beyond. Learning to respect the unique contexts that make your child feel more safe to be open to sharing will go a long way towards creating this type of relationship.
Tim Jordan, M.D., is a Behavioral Pediatrician who counsels girls aged grade school thru college. Listen to his weekly podcast, Raising Daughters, to gain information on raising strong, resilient girls. For more info on Dr. Jordan’s retreats, summer camps and books visit drtimjordan.com.
