The Great Barrier Reef stretches some 1,800 miles from New Guinea to Australia. On one tour, the guide was asked an interesting question. “I notice that the lagoon side of the reef looks pale and lifeless, while the ocean side is vibrant and colorful,” a traveler observed. “Why is this?” The guide answered: “The coral around the lagoon side is in still water, with no challenge for its survival. It dies early. The coral on the ocean side is constantly being tested by wind, waves and storms. It grows healthy, it grows strong, and it reproduces.” Then he added: “That’s the way it is with every living organism.”
All of us have to face adversities. Unfortunately, I find a lot of today’s parents try to shield their children from difficulties because they don’t want them to fail, make mistakes or feel frustrated and disappointed. Parents quickly solve their children’s problems and advocate for them to teachers and coaches. It ends up keeping their children young and unable to take care of themselves as they progress through childhood.
Sudha Chandran was a famous classical Indian dancer whose career seemed to be cut off in her prime after an accident caused her right leg to be amputated. She was fitted with an artificial leg, returned to dancing and made it back to the top. When asked how she had managed to do this, she said, quite simply, “You don’t need feet to dance.” She didn’t let her disability hold her back; it strengthened her resolve.
When your child is struggling with adversity, catch yourself before you jump in and rescue them. If they are frustrated because they’re not getting playing time in soccer, encourage them to advocate for themselves to the coach. Same goes for issues with teachers. Have them reflect on what they learned about themselves so they can use this experience to guide them the next time adversity strikes. Struggling can equip them with courage, strength and confidence.
Let me leave you with one of my favorite metaphors related to overcoming adversity. A grandfather gave his granddaughter a cocoon and told her there was a caterpillar in it, trying to grow into a butterfly. He told her that soon she would notice the sides bulging out as the caterpillar struggled to get out. But he made her promise not to cut it open, to let it do it on its own. Four days later the girl noticed the cocoon moving, and she began to feel sorry for it. So, she took a razor blade and carefully cut a slit down the side of the cocoon. A moment later a beautiful butterfly emerged. It flapped its wings to fly but only flew a foot before plopping down onto the table. It tried again with the same result.
Finally, the butterfly stood at the edge of the tabletop, flapped its wings and flew a few feet before crashing to the floor, dead. The little girl was crushed and began to cry. What she had failed to understand was that the butterfly needed time to push against the walls of its shell to push fluids down the length of its wings, strengthening them so that when it emerged it would be able to fly. This struggle prepared it to survive and thrive. What’s good for the butterfly is also good for your children.
Tim Jordan, M.D., is a Behavioral Pediatrician who counsels girls aged grade school thru college. Listen to his weekly podcast, Raising Daughters, to gain information on raising strong, resilient girls. For more info on Dr. Jordan’s retreats, summer camps and books visit drtimjordan.com.
