Fathers and sons have had their own unique dance since the dawn of mankind. The following are some best practices for raising sons that I have gathered through parenting two sons and working with boys for many years.
Watch your intensity: Most dads are raising kids at the height of their own ambitions, and some of their own striving may result in pushing a son to be ‘the best.’ They need to accept that their own drive may not be matched by their sons.
Don’t over-coach him: I saw a boy throwing a football around in the street with his dad, and the entire time the dad was coaching him: “Use both hands, don’t catch it against your body, hold the ball at the seams, etc.” The boy was out there to connect with his dad, not be critiqued. It’s important that most of the time with your son is not spent being on him about his grades, athletic performance or mistakes. Too many sons grow up with the belief that they are never good enough.
Give up control: If you don’t gradually give your son more say-so in his life, he may end up rebelling or engaging you in power struggles to get his power. Or he might become a pleaser, be overly driven to prove himself to you, or even worse, he might shut you out altogether.
Discipline shift: As boys enter adolescence, shift your discipline model from rules and punishments to agreements and accountability. Give him a voice when making agreements about homework, curfews, chores, allowance and electronic usage. This results in better cooperation and it’s easier to hold him accountable.
Don’t match their anger: Adolescent boys’ anger and aggression brain circuits are primed by hormones, increasing their desire for dominance, power and proving themselves. Don’t try to reason with him when he’s mad; wait until he cools off. Don’t punish his angry reaction by holding him accountable for it; punish only the misbehavior. Model staying calm and being in charge of your emotions.
Share your stories: Kids look at their parents and see the ‘finished product.’ They weren’t around for your awkward stages, your mistakes and failures. Sharing these types of stories lets sons know that you really can relate to them, and it opens them up to sharing their own experiences.
Get out of their way: When your son looks at you, make sure full confidence in him is mirrored back. Allow him to make decisions for himself and to direct his life. In his late teens, that means letting go of thinking you know what’s best for him and allowing him to be the master of his fate.
Special time together: An elderly gentleman was rummaging around in the attic when he found one of his old journals. He opened it to an entry from when his son Mason was 8 years old. It read, “Went fishing with Mason today; didn’t catch a thing.” He then discovered his son’s diary in the same box and an entry from the same day. Mason’s account was far different. It read, “Went fishing with my dad today. Best day of my life!”
Tim Jordan, M.D., is a Behavioral Pediatrician who specializes in counseling girls ages 6 through college. For more information, visit drtimjordan.com.
