Parents tend to get way too involved in their children’s squabbles, resulting in more intense and frequent fighting. Here are some best practices to both redirect and prevent sibling rivalry.
Stay Calm: When kids’ emotions are going up, yours need to go down. A calm, loving presence can do wonders for dissipating their anger.
Change Your Intention: Switch your objective from figuring out who started it (i.e., who’s right or wrong) and fixing the problem to being more of a teacher/mediator. Let go of the roles of judge, juror and executioner and turn responsibility for solving their disagreements over to them.
Teach Conflict Resolution Skills: Help kids learn both to express their needs and feelings effectively and also to listen to their sibling’s needs and wants. Guide them to figure out win-win solutions, and then slowly but surely back yourself out of the job of policeman and judge.
Put Them in the Same Boat: Let them know you no longer care who started it or who is in the wrong. Your only reason for getting involved is to see if you can support them in resolving their spat peacefully. This maneuver prevents many of their fights, which often are instigated to get their compatriot in hot water.
Coach Them Individually: Pull older siblings aside and commiserate about how annoying younger sibs can be. Give them tools for handling their sibling, and let them know they can come to you if their box of tools isn’t working. Help younger siblings to understand the older one’s behaviors, and how they can get more of what they want, i.e. time and attention, from their cool older brother or sister and his/her friends.
Parenting with the above intentions and practices will result in your children taking full responsibility for their relationship with each other, resolving conflicts and getting their needs met. The bonus for you is less aggravation, less feeling drained, and more time and energy for fun and connecting with them.
Tim Jordan, M.D., is a behavioral pediatrician who specializes in counseling girls ages 6 through college. For more information, visit drtimjordan.com.
