My daughter is getting married this spring and, to be honest, we just don’t have the money for an over-the-top wedding. I don’t want to hurt her feelings, nor do I want any of my friends to think I’m cheap. Is it worth going into debt to fulfill her dream?
—Mother of the Bride
Patty: In a prior life I worked in the financial industry and I can categorically state that no one should ever go into debt to host an event. I have been to lots of weddings and I cannot remember which one had the best food, flowers, or location. As long as your guests are fed and provided drinks, you are good to go. Now, let’s talk about your friends thinking you are cheap. Chances are they already think that and are still your friends. Give your daughter a budget and stick to it. Assure her that no one will remember what was served at the wedding; they will only remember what a beautiful bride she was. (And that part is true. I am still getting grief about the Dallas-inspired hat I wore at my own wedding.)
Raschelle: It is time to do away with this dated and backward rule that the bride’s parents pay for the wedding! It is nothing more than a dowry, which is basically the family giving of capital to the groom in exchange for taking the daughter off their hands. In the early days, this capital meant a goat or a cow—perhaps a title of nobility. Today, it means tossing thousands of dollars at a party that is over in a few hours, a party that puts the emphasis on the wedding versus the marriage. Plus, the idea that a wedding is a once-in-a-lifetime dream is ridiculous; just look at the divorce rates and you can see that people have this opportunity many times. So here’s my advice: make your daughter and her future husband pay their own way, and if she insists you pay, don’t give her a budget, give her a noble title and a horse.
I am so surprised by the number of wedding registries that now include the option of giving cash. That seems rather crass to me. When did it become acceptable to ask people for money as a gift?
—Paying to be a Guest
Patty: Can we have honest discussion about wedding registries without people sending me quotes from Miss Manners? Here’s the truth, if you are newly married and just starting out, the best gift you can get is a check. I know everyone registers for fine china, crystal and other household items, but wouldn’t it be nice if instead of pretending we wanted that stuff, most of which we will use only once a year, we just said, Give me cold, hard cash? That’s what we can use to paint the house, take a vacation, get new towels or whatever else our needs are instead of the crepe pan we registered for. Now, I have nothing against crepes, but I sure like money better.
Raschelle: I’m going to blame reality TV. The decline of civilization is in full swing because of it, and asking for money is just another symptom. I hate to see tip jars next to cash registers, I cringe when taxi drivers remind me to push the tip button on the credit card machine, and I really hate to be asked to give money in lieu of a wedding gift. We need to let people do what they want; if guests choose to give money, great. If they choose to buy us a setting of our useless but lovely china, that’s great too. We have weddings to pledge our love for one another publicly and to ask our friends and family (and sometimes, the Lord) to help support the union in good times and bad. We do not have weddings to air our financial difficulties, which should have been resolved before heading to the altar, by the way. So asking for money isn’t only inappropriate, it is tacky…and who wants that on their wedding day!
By Raschelle Burton & Patty Hannum
Photo by Colin Miller of Strauss Peyton
[Patty Hannum loves weddings and does not understand why none of her nieces or nephews ever asks her to be a senior bridesmaid. Raschelle Burton was briefly married once, and has the china to prove it.]
