Chores and allowance are among the most contentious issues for families. It’s really no surprise that kids have trouble taking responsibility for household work and money, because these top the list of what couples fight about as well.
The best way to avoid power struggles in these areas is by having regular family meetings that serve as the forum for handling problems, discussing pertinent issues and setting the tone for your home.
Your family will need to learn how to listen to each other, brainstorm win-win solutions, and create consensus. Everyone must recognize that each member’s voice should be heard and is important. There should be a lot of give-and-take, and everyone should walk away from the meeting feeling like the new agreement works for them. These are incredibly important life skills that will be transferrable to friendships, dating relationships and work environments.
Chores are not optional; you live in the family community, so you should pitch in to make it function. But kids like having choices, so give them options about which jobs they do and when they do them. That should be negotiated in your meetings. Make it clear you will hold them accountable. Then your ‘chore’ becomes following through with the agreements without nagging, yelling or giving in. Most things can be set up to make the follow-through time-related: As soon as you do what you committed to do, you can go on with the rest of your day.
But the key is to take the time upfront in family meetings to get their buy-in. Good cooperation will follow naturally. Kids learn quickly that there is no give in the system and no payoffs for procrastinating or whining, so they do what they said they would.
Receiving an allowance can be an excellent way for kids to learn about money: what things cost, savings, tithing, budgeting and delaying gratification. Give them an age-appropriate amount each month and let them know what they will be responsible for paying. For little kids, that might mean buying toys at the dollar store or candy at the movies. As they grow older, add more responsibilities, like paying for their movie ticket and snacks when they’re out with friends, car insurance, buying a car, paying for part of college, etc. It’s a great way to stifle ‘the gimmee’s.’
Let children know at each stage what they will be responsible for buying; give them enough money to play with, but also an amount that keeps them a little hungry. Then let them loose to learn their lessons. Set up a savings account, teach them how to invest money, and let them make mistakes and learn from them. They will learn lessons about delaying gratification and self-reliance.
I suggest not tying chores to allowance. Hold kids accountable for following through with their agreements because it’s the right thing to do, not because they will get paid for it. Paying money for chores turns a family obligation into another commercial transaction, and kids lose the more important message: Helping out at home is about teamwork, service, community and gratitude.
[Tim Jordan, M.D., is a Behavioral Pediatrician who specializes in counseling girls ages 6 through college. For more information, visit drtimjordan.com.]
