After a slew of reminders and threats, Mary sent her 7-year-old daughter Maggie to sit on a chair in time out. Maggie willfully turned around and yelled: “I may be sitting on the outside, but I’m standing on the inside!” Do you have one of these kids in your home? If so, then your best solution lies in some preventive medicine. The most effective way to handle strong-minded, intense, powerful kids is proactively: give them appropriate power, control and say-so.
Any time a child stands toe-to-toe with an adult in a power struggle, they get tremendous payoffs: mostly a sense of control and also an inappropriate way to get attention. The following are effective ways to give kids power.
1 | Choices. Being able to say, “I want to wear the red shirt,” or “I want pancakes for breakfast” or “I want to take a study hall next semester” gives kids a sense of being in charge of their life, that they are calling the shots. You can find dozens of chances each day to allow them to choose.
2 | Decisions. Start letting your kids make decisions and experience the natural consequences of them. You are ultimately in charge of the big ones in order to keep them safe, but within a limited sphere let them feel more in control.
3 | Solve problems. Learning to think for yourself and solve your own problems is empowering for kids. They become more independent and self-reliant, and as a result more confident.
4 | Be valuable. Kids who are powerful love to be helpful. Being of service to others makes them feel they are more grown up and making a difference.
5 | Mistakes. Allowing kids to get frustrated, make mistakes and fight through them to overcome challenges is a recipe for developing grit and self-efficacy. Both are ingredients for a confident, resilient adult.
6 | Ownership. Kids feel very emboldened when they have opportunities to initiate, create and make things happen. The results are all theirs, bringing them more joy, pride and fulfillment.
7 | Responsibility. Give these kids places to stretch themselves and take on the kinds of responsibilities and jobs they so often demand. They usually surprise parents with how competent they are, allowing parents to breathe and let go even more.
In every situation in a child’s day, keep this thought in the forefront of your mind: How in this moment can I give my child more say-so, control and power? If you proactively and regularly offer them access to power, you will find even the most hardheaded, power-hungry child settling down. And you will see them at their best: happy, confident, competent and proud.
[Tim Jordan, M.D., is a Behavioral Pediatrician who specializes in counseling girls ages 6 through college. For more information, visit drtimjordan.com.]
