When you become a parent, you wear your heart on the outside. Suddenly, someone else’s health and safety is more important than your own, and life’s journey takes a whole new course. The journey is not for the faint of heart, and fortunately you do not have to make it alone. It does take a village, so it’s a good thing that, in all kinds of ways, help is available for the bumps in the road.
infertility
Sometimes, a challenge rears its head even before conception: Infertility is on the rise. “And it wasn’t that easy before,” says Dr. Kenan Omurtag, infertility specialist at Washington University Medical School. He says human reproduction (like the panda’s) is “remarkably inefficient. A couple with no problems at all has, at best, 25 percent chance of becoming pregnant each month, although that’s not what they tell us in junior high!” He suspects rates of infertility are higher these days, partly because women are having children later. This means there is a greater risk of miscarriage, and eggs are older and fewer. According to Omurtag, a baby girl is born with 1 million eggs, has 300,000 to 500,000 at puberty and less than 1,000 eggs come menopause. She releases around 400 during her entire reproductive life.
Infertility, defined as one year of unprotected sex for a woman under age 35 without conception, can be the result of fallopian tube blockage, stress and other factors. Omurtag says in 50 percent of couples, there is a male component to the conception problem, like a structural or sperm count issue. But things are looking up: treatments such as in vitro fertilization (IVF) and intrauterine insemination (IUI) have improved greatly in recent years. Now, after one series of IVF, the chance of pregnancy for a woman below age 35 is 60 to 70 percent. A simple outpatient procedure with minimal risk, it is, according to Omurtag, the ‘Cadillac’ of fertility treatments. Oral medications like Clomiphene or Letrazole, and injectables also are proving effective.
Meanwhile, Dr. Patrick Yeung, associate professor and director of the SLUCare Center for Endometriosis, says he focuses on finding the root cause of infertility. One common issue he points to is endometriosis (a disease in which tissue that normally grows inside the uterus grows outside it), which can have a significant impact on a woman’s ability to conceive. “Up to one in two patients with endometriosis has infertility, and vice versa,” he says. “Surgery not only helps with pain, but also increases the likelihood of pregnancy.”
In the absence of a physical problem, Yeung says teaching women how to chart their fertility by observing changes in cervical mucus also can have positive results. “It’s very simple, easy to do and it’s free,” he says, adding that IVF can cost between $10,000 and $20,000. In one study, according to Yeung, this simple method’s rate of success over a six- to 12-month period was the same or higher than that of IVF. Like Omurtag, Yeung attributes the rise in infertility to age, but also to overall health. “When one-third of American adults are obese, there’s bound to be an effect on fertility,” he says.
learning disabilities
It might be a crunchy food or the feel of grass. It could be the brush of cloth against skin, the sound of a siren or the honk of a horn. While most children adapt on their own to the challenges of stress, others find it more difficult and need guidance to manage their experience of the world. Cindy Cox Nieukirk, owner of and consultant with Sensory Strategies for Optimal Living, says this can be especially true of children with spectrum and attention disorders, but adds that learning disabilities or the demands of a fast-paced society also may be factors in some children’s inability to cope. Nieukirk says she goes where the need is—homes and schools—and doesn’t just work with children, but also with the adults who care for them. “I try to provide parents with strategies,” she says, “so they understand where their child is coming from.” Often, helping them see that a behavior isn’t just a phase helps to validate parents’ concerns and leads to better understanding.
However, Nieukirk, who has a son with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and dyslexia, says she is wary of labels when environmental factors like food and technology may be playing a part. “We don’t give children time to calm down anymore. Their sensory systems are overloaded. Children process things so differently from the way they did 50 years ago,” she says, and recommends ‘heavy’ activities that utilize joints and muscles as ways to bring the system back into balance. She suggests indoor playgrounds—mini slides, trampolines and climbing gyms; hefty wooden blocks and coffee cans full of rocks—to help children work out the kinks.
Shelley B. Smith, co-founder and owner of Special Solutions Private Learning Center, says learning disabilities and behavior aren’t necessarily related. “Children can act out because they aren’t learning, yet they also can have challenges and be perfectly behaved,” she says. Warning signs include delayed talking, difficulty rhyming, restlessness and trouble with numbers, the alphabet or days of the week. Early detection and intervention that teaches compensatory skills are vital for success, Smith says, and stresses that by going undiagnosed, a child may fail to thrive and have poor self esteem. “The ones who are understood and receive support feel so much better about themselves.”
Smith—who worked as a special educator at Ladue High School for many years—says problems often arise because children do not develop at the same pace. “Everyone’s on their own little path; all kids are not ready for fifth grade at the same time,” she says, and stresses the importance of working as a team to come up with an individualized plan. “We work with parents, students, teachers, therapists, counselors and doctors. It really does take a village,” Smith concludes.
kindness
Where are we without kindness? What are we? Where does kindness come from, and if it isn’t innate, can it be taught? Fostering kindness in our children is one of the most important jobs we have as parents and teachers, says Jason Thompson, middle school guidance counselor at Westminster Christian Academy. “But sometimes, it’s easier to be mean.” Thompson blames social media: Without face-to-face interactions, emotional nuance is lost. We can’t pick up on cues. “You can sense a person’s heart when you see their face,” he says. “We are relying on smiling [or frowning] yellow emojis, and they aren’t enough.” However, he says cellphones have become appendages. “Telling students not to use them is like telling them not to use their right arm.”
Thompson talks to students about life skills and building character. In these times, he says, the ‘golden rule’ is more important than ever. He uses real-life case studies to help children see things from another’s perspective and emphasizes the power of being an ‘upstander’ in unjust situations. “Being a bystander is just as bad as bullying,” he says, adding that bullying, when it occurs, now can happen 24 hours a day, seven days a week. “Chat wars go on all weekend. There’s no let up, no getting away from it as there once was,” he says. Thompson recommends that parents build trust and children use their phones only around their parents. Parents, he says, should cancel kids’ accounts if they suspect foul play. While bullying is more common in middle school as young people struggle for a place in their friend group, social pain (boyfriend/girlfriend trouble, competitiveness in sports) is more present in the higher grades.
At Rohan Woods School, a character development program focuses on leadership skills, beginning as early as age 2. “We work on manners,” says head of school Sam Page. “Holding doors, saying ‘thank you,’ waiting your turn.” She says ‘soft skills’ like appreciation, conflict resolution and positive conversation are emphasized for older children and are increasingly relevant in the workforce. “Employers want people to collaborate, think critically, problem solve and work in teams. Social and emotional intelligence are more important than ever.” It is vital, she adds, that parents play a part in this education, modeling good behaviors as much as possible.
Page teaches a leadership class once a month, and children have discussions with teachers every day about things like respectful kindness. Many of these student-driven conversations are about good character—how to align it with good actions and how to evaluate it in others. “We all bring our own specialness, and we need to appreciate that,” Page says.
