Seventh-grader Natalia came in to see me for counseling because she was engaging in major power struggles with her parents. They applied several strong labels to her personality: disrespectful, contrarian, oppositional, short fuse, sensitive. Mom described Natalia as a colicky infant who screamed her way through the first five months of life until she could crawl. They remembered her relentlessly commando crawling to get to objects on the floor. She walked at nine months, and immediately, her disposition lightened. Those fits were her way of showing early on her intensity, focus, determination and independent nature.
In Natalia’s toddler years, more temper tantrums erupted. At age 4, she was described by her preschool teacher as being the queen bee of her class. By age 5, she acquired the diagnosis of oppositional defiant disorder (ODD). And then her second-grade teacher told her mom that if Natalia didn’t stop being so bossy, she’d never have any friends. I love working with girls like this in my counseling practice and at my weekend retreats and summer camps. I know from years of experience that if I find ways to give kids like this more responsibility and opportunities to lead, I get the best of them.
Far too many kids are negatively labeled and given unwarranted diagnoses. Quiet kids are pushed to be more outgoing. “Argumentative” kids like Natalia often feel unheard. Sensitive kids get labelled as being dramatic. Moody preteens and teenagers ride an emotional roller coaster. What they are telling us is that the emotional centers of their brain are maturing faster than the prefrontal cortex, i.e. the executive center, leaving them at the mercy of their amygdala.
Think about how we’ve taught kids to label themselves when they are expressing normal emotions like sadness, grief or anxiety: “I’m losing it. I’m a mess. I’m crazy.” Kids who see the world differently have learned from peers and adults that they are weird, different and unlovable. One girl described herself to me as being “a Fruit Loop in a bowl of Cheerios.” These young people often grow up to be our artists, photographers, writers and entrepreneurs.
It is important not to view children through the lens of judgment and negative labels. Instead, try to understand what their actions are telling us. Recognizing a child who is criticized for being a perfectionist as someone who cares deeply about their work will help them feel seen and understood. The same goes for powerful kids like Natalia. When I help them at our camp to take on leadership roles, their resistance goes away and they flourish.
The words kids use to describe themselves are important. It will affect the way they walk, talk, show up socially, act and react. This process starts with how the adults around them see them. Look through your children’s outer behaviors for what it might be telling you underneath. Look for the mighty oak tree when all you have before you is a tiny acorn. These days, when it comes to children and teenagers, there are far too many labels and diagnoses and too little understanding.
Tim Jordan, M.D., is a Behavioral Pediatrician who counsels girls aged grade school thru college. Listen to his weekly podcast, Raising Daughters, to gain information on raising strong, resilient girls. For more info on Dr. Jordan’s retreats, summer camps and books visit drtimjordan.com.
