I asked Ashlyn, 18, what her plans were after she graduates high school next spring. At first, she looked at me as if I had two heads, and then responded, “Well, college, of course.” When I asked her why she was so surprised by my question, she replied that she wanted to get a degree so that she could obtain a good job and make good money. But she said it with a touch of sadness in her voice, so I pushed further.
“That sounds a little like your parents talking. If you could put your parents and school’s wishes aside for a moment, what would you want to do?” Ashlyn described that what she really wanted to do is attend a beauty salon school because she loved the creative process of helping her friends do their hair and makeup. When she broached the possibility of this with her parents, they flipped out, lecturing her about how she couldn’t make a living doing hair, and she had to get a college degree.
Ashlyn also told me there was no way she could walk across the stage at graduation with those plans, because her high school wouldn’t recognize that any of its students might not want to go to college. The previous year, the principal had announced that another girl had “been accepted into several good colleges,” rather than state publicly that, acceptances aside, she was going to a trade school! Ashlyn was feeling a tremendous amount of pressure to conform.
When teenagers and young adults make decisions in order to please their parents or not disappoint them, they remain dependent and enclosed. The short-term good feeling of pleasing people can evolve into regrets and resentment. Unfortunately, many people never grow beyond this state, and they never pursue their dreams and their heart’s desires. And that is so sad.
Letting go is a long-term process that begins as soon as a baby is born. Allowing babies to self-soothe, fuss themselves to sleep, feed themselves, and make simple choices should, by nature, turn into letting kids handle their own sibling and friendship conflicts, choose their outfits, and, gradually, to experience more independence, privileges and freedoms. By the time they are seniors in high school, they are ready to make choices about the next steps in their life—like college, trade school or gap years.
It is more important than parents may realize at the time to allow kids to learn their own lessons and make their own mistakes. In their way and their own time. Every child has a destiny and path to live out. They should be encouraged to build their own story and future and to make their unique mark on the world—not to follow the path we have chosen for them. Only then can they be happy and fulfilled. If you really want to show them you love them, unleash your children!
[Tim Jordan, M.D., is a Behavioral Pediatrician who specializes in counseling girls ages 6 through college. For more information, visit drtimjordan.com.]
