Patty Unleashed: 12.4.19
I got an email on a recent Thursday reminding me my column was due. My first thought was, “Poor Karyn, those three kids sure must be keeping her up at night.” Karyn Williams, of course, is editor of Town&Style. But when I glanced in my folder, sure enough, I had missed my deadline. Now, most people would shrug it off with a ‘whoops,’ but not me. Remember, I have OCD and some other oddities mixed in. This threw my whole writing process off. First, I spend several days before my deadline worrying I won’t come up with a topic. I had already scheduled my worrying time for Saturday and Sunday. Inevitably, an idea usually pops into my head in the middle of the night. Then I write it. The next day, I contemplate the column. Will it cause people to chuckle or guffaw or just reinforce that I’m snarky and mean? Then, finally, I send it off for editing. I was now heading into the ‘upside down’ world of writing.
I already had an appointment to get my hair cut and colored, and when you’re hiding this much gray, you never cancel. I decided I would use my color processing time to come up with a topic. Let’s see … what’s going on in the news? Another school shooting. Yes, this is a topic I have a lot to say about, but it’s not for a humor column. Oh, the impeachment hearing! I must admit, I am glued to the television, but it was only the first day, and I didn’t think I could do a full 600 words on why Congressman Jim Jordan never wears a suit jacket. Does he have a sweating problem? When he goes outside in the winter, does he wear a suit jacket but not an overcoat? Did he wear a jacket at his wedding? Is he even married? Well, yes he is, and thanks to Google, it appears when he is with his wife Polly, he wears a jacket! The mystery deepens, but not enough for me to care.
And then I found it, a topic that I do believe most of us can relate to: Former U.S. Attorney General Jeff Sessions (you know, the guy whose appointment President Trump referred to as “the biggest mistake” in his presidency) is going to run for Senate in Alabama, a position he held before he gave it up to become “the biggest mistake.” He hopes the President will endorse him. Oh, Sen. Sessions, why couldn’t you be like everyone else and write a tell-all book, hit the talk show circuit, make some money and retire? Why are you doing this to yourself? And where are all of the women in your life who can explain ‘he’s just not that into you?’ Can someone share the latest issue of Cosmo with the quiz ‘Can I Win Him Back?’
I had one bad breakup. I shall not utter his name. Let’s just say he decided he wanted to date a model instead of me. Not a Milan model, but a Macy’s insert model—not that there is anything wrong with that because I was neither. He broke up over the phone. I knew the woman, and I also knew that she wasn’t particularly bright, but then neither was he. I should have known the breakup was coming. His favorite song to sing along to was, “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feeling.”
So, Sen. Sessions, in all sincerity, I find your politics abhorrent, but if you forgo begging the big guy to take you back because he has clearly ‘lost that lovin’ feeling,’ I’ll send you $50.
Contact Patty at firstname.lastname@example.org.