I got nothing for you. No amusing stories. No deep thoughts. I am stuck between Florida Patty (not “Florida man” … you do know about that, right?) and St. Louis Patty. So, this column is devoted to all the random thoughts that have occurred to me over the past two weeks.

First, “Florida man”… If you need something to make you laugh or shake your head, simply type “Florida Man” into Google. And up pops all the craziest headlines of what is going on in my sometimes state. Let us see: Florida man threw live gator in Wendy’s drive-thru window. Drunken Florida man on Segway charged with DUI. Florida man tries to evade arrest by cartwheeling away from cops. Hmm. I suspect if I typed in another state, I might just get something similar!

Second, I know I am forbidden to speak about politics, but I cannot help myself. This obsession we have on age—particularly, the way our two presidential candidates walk—needs to stop. Can we just accept neither are going to run a 5K and that as you age you get a bit stiff. I guarantee you that I have a stronger grip on the step railings than either President Biden or Former President Trump. Speak among yourselves about their cognitive abilities, but, as long as they are moving, let’s give them a break.

Third, March was Women’s History month! One whole month. That’s it for my female readers. We need do nothing else until March 2025! Hand me the remote control and my PJs because I really cannot do anything notable for a year. I am kidding, but I do think we might get carried away with having a month dedicated to half the population and their historical contributions. Maybe next year we could shoot for both March and April. I feel a petition coming on!

Fourth, I try to be well read. I think it stems from all the Weekly Readers I got in grade school, but nevertheless, I attempt to read The New York Times and USA Today regularly. I have always thought they could take a hint from The Weekly Reader and give us a list of words and their definitions. Most words you can figure out by context, but there are a few that should be bolded and defined. Perhaps I am the only one who doesn’t quite know the meaning, so mock me if you must. Here we go: paddywhackery, desultory, compinche, detritus, soporific and hegemony. I urge you to try out a few of your friends and see if you look smarter or, well, not so smart.

Fifth, let us talk about taxes. They seem to get more complicated every year. I stopped doing my own years ago, but the pile of stuff you need to collect keeps growing. That said, most places email you the information instead of mailing it to you, which means an even deeper dive into the abyss. I do not complain about taxes. To me it is like getting your teeth cleaned. Never enjoyable but necessary. So, I am sorry if your bill was high this year. But do not forget everyone needs to file. And that, my friends, is a public service announcement. Until next time.