Madeleine, 16, has struggled with anxiety for years. Presently it manifests itself as test anxiety, causing her to lose sleep, get overwhelmed with stress, have meltdowns a few times a week at home, and to suck all the joy out of learning.
Madeleine is a self-described perfectionist, and she’s famous for being hard on herself. Her self-talk is awful, leaving her discouraged and drained. I asked her what she says to herself about her schoolwork.
“I constantly worry that I won’t finish my work or study enough for tests, or that I’ll do bad on tests. If I find out someone got a better grade, my negative thinking goes on overdrive.” During the school year, she will stay up till the wee hours of the morning the night before a test, over-studying and over-worrying. If her grade comes back 98 percent, she chooses to focus on the 2 percent she could have earned versus the 98 percent she accomplished. And then she is immediately on to the next quiz or test, with no time for rest or celebration. Know anyone like that? If you are raising a perfectionist in your home, I have a few tools to smooth out
their ride.
First, I love to have these kids do a reality check: what has been their school history up until now? Many of these students have most if not all A’s on their report cards. So I try to get them to focus on the truth about themselves: when they put in a reasonable effort, they have always gotten good grades. Many report never having gotten a C and still being fixated on that one B+ they received three years ago. So when their stinkin’ thinkin’ starts to rear its ugly head, they can do a reality check and remind themselves that as long as they focus on effort and study habits, history tells them the result will be just fine.
I also teach kids to bring themselves to the present moment. Anxiety and fears are always about the future; everything is just fine in the here and now. Focusing on your breathing or on your senses will bring you back to the current moment. I have them do some progressive muscle relaxation exercises as well, because that also brings them into their bodies. In this moment they have nothing to fear, and all is well.
Kids who are hard on themselves need to learn to catch themselves as they start to embark on this slippery slope. If they can become aware of when the negative self-talk is kicking in, they can use some tools to redirect themselves. I teach kids to repeat positive mantras, and also to think about or journal the things they are grateful for. These are useful skills to switch their stinking thinking. Last, I coach kids to focus on the journey and not the destination, the process and not the result. If they focus on putting in a reasonable effort and use good study strategies, the result will be the result. And for these kids, history is definitely in their favor.
[Tim Jordan, M.D. is a Behavioral Pediatrician who specializes in counseling girls ages 6 through college. For more information, go to drtimjordan.com.]
