I have a friend who is a ‘soft talker.’ When we are out to dinner she speaks so softly that everyone has to stop what they’re doing to really listen or they can’t understand her. No matter how many times we ask her to speak up, she continues to speak softly. Any advice?
—Killing Me Softly With Her Voice
Patty: I am just the opposite, a loud talker, which I suspect comes as a surprise to exactly no one. I want people to hear me, especially if it’s funny, so I am rewarded with a laugh. Now I assume that you have had your hearing tested recently, so we know the problem is not your ears? Could your friend just be insecure? Does this only happen when you are in a group, or also one-on-one? If you have repeatedly asked her to speak up, encouraged her both publicly and privately to make her voice heard, and she is still talking in a whisper, I can’t see the point of continuing to hang out with her. That said, if she is the perfect audience for your stories and jokes and you’re getting the laughs you deserve, leaning in and listening intently every once in a while isn’t such a bad thing.
Raschelle: Yes, this is quite the conundrum. What is the world coming to, I mean a friend who actually doesn’t shout at you …that is tough. Yeah, I’m being snarky; I just don’t get why someone who is soft-spoken is a burden to you and your friends. Here’s some things you could consider doing: choose quiet and calmer places to dine when you’re with this friend, invite a smaller group, host a dinner party, sheesh, go to a movie where no talking is required. Look, you might be on the receiving end of years of my pent-up hostility at my own loud-talking family, but have you ever thought of this: maybe she’s quiet to compensate for everyone else being so loud! Maybe she’s a normal-volume talker and you’re just excessively loud. Think I’m wrong? Then explain why Amtrak has an official ‘quiet car’ devoted completely to silence.
My friend just spent $700 on a pair of shoes but always calls herself ‘too poor’ to attend fundraising events. I think it is unseemly. Can I say something?
—Priorities Out of Whack
Patty: Absolutely, especially if you want to seem judgmental and end your friendship. Here’s the deal. What people give to charity or what fundraising events they attend is their business, not yours. You have no idea what they do with their money, unless of course you are their accountant and in that case, well yes, you can say something. If I want my friends to attend a fundraising event, I buy the tickets and ask them to go as my guests. If they decide to make an additional contribution to the organization, fantastic. Your friend’s ‘too poor’ comment might just be her way of saying, “I don’t really support the organization.” Now, about spending $700 on a pair of shoes, I suspect Raschelle may disagree with me, but really? Your feet feel that much better? Just think if you had taken that money and invested it in a mutual fund …
Raschelle: Wow, the first thing that comes to mind is this old proverb: Charity masks a multitude of sins. Now, you may not want to admit that it is true—perhaps not always, but often enough. So let’s start there. You’re so focused on giving not only your own money but your friends’ too. I gotta ask, what sins are you hiding? Why do you feel the need to enforce some level of giving as a prerequisite to friendship? I agree with Patty, it’s ‘nunya’, as we say in my house. Here, I’ll use it in a sentence: Your friend’s philanthropic proclivities are nunya business. So butt out of her giving. Where Patty and I part company is on the shoes. Yes, buy the expensive shoes, always. They last longer so there’s value in them; they are more comfortable so there is a better experience in them; they look better so there is art in them; life is short, so seize the moment. In my book that adds up to an investment, not an expenditure. There you go: in addition to friendship advice, a philosophical argument for the good shoes. Aaaaaaand, you’re welcome.
By Raschelle Burton & Patty Hannum
[Patty Hannum loves good shoes but prefers a long-term investment in a well-performing mutual fund. Raschelle Burton prefers Prada!]
